in: Dating & Relationships

What Needs to Go Before You Find Real Love

There’s something to be said for drawing in the positive, but what about purging the negative? Tamara Star gives tips on what to do before you find real love.


I know what it’s like to search and hope for love, and I also know what it’s like to come up short.

Like most of us looking for love, I’ve made lists of what I really want in a partner, and I’ve trained myself to visualize what I want to attract into my world.

But here’s a powerful little secret: we’ve all been told the law of attraction is the key to getting everything we want in life, but the law of SUBtraction is actually super-charged important when we’re looking for love.

Why?

Deleting what you don’t want out of your head, enables you to attract in what you do want.

What does this mean?

It means that too often we fill our heads with positive affirmations and silent wishes, while at the same time secretly worrying about all the things that might go wrong in love.

Our negative thoughts and worries actually cancel out our good thoughts because negative thinking spikes adrenaline, and adrenaline gets our attention fast.
Instead of concentrating on what we do want in our next relationship, we first need to release all the thoughts of what we don’t want and clear the slate on our disappointments. Face it, we all have memories of ex’s that will send us running at the first scent of the same trait in a potential partner. Clearing the slate in our head allows us to see the present clearly, without looking through the cloudy lenses of past disappointments.
Now, this is a heck of a lot easier to think about than actually do, so I’m going to share three tricks with you.

What doesn’t work when you’re striving for a fulfilling relationship is to try and keep in mind what you don’t want (your fears). Not only does this attract in more of the same, doing this makes us seem paranoid, and close minded.

When we bury our fears and cover them up frantically with positive thinking, they fester and grow.

We can’t frost a cake made of crap with beautiful positive affirmation frosting

Alternatively, when we bring our fears out into the open, then rip off their protective positive thinking coating and shine a spotlight on them, we can see them clearly for what they are: False Evidence Appearing Real.

I want you to do three things right now.

1. Write down the names of all your significant others.

Put each name at the top of a piece of paper, one name per paper. Next, I want you to write down the things you loved about each one. Admit them, there were good things about everyone. Be generous, make a long list, and be honest.

Even lying, cheating, disappointments had good traits or you wouldn’t have been attracted to them in the first place. Think hard and remember.

2. Turn the negatives to positives.

Next, here’s the tricky part. I want you to list all the negatives you experienced in each of those relationships and turn them into positive gifts you were given. Let’s say one partner cheated on you. What you write down is this:I learned that loyalty, monogamy and honesty are traits I value.

Perhaps a partner of yours was chronically late. I want you to write, I learned that I value punctuality.

Instead of carrying a memory of an outcome you didn’t like, you instead play that relationship out to completion by seeing the gifts you were given. When you do this, you walk forward with positive memories in your heart, you feel empowered, rather than victimized, and you vibrate with positive energy and anticipation. We seal off our old hurts and fears of the future with a solid period at the end of the sentence, because we see the gifts of our past.

The past does not have to equal the future when we take the crap we were thrown and turn it into fertile compost for our future.

3. Quit beating yourself up for all of your failures in love.

Ever start a job you didn’t like?

Every failure in life, actually gets you closer to what you DO want.

Sometimes we have to taste something bad to know we don’t like it, and love unfolds this same way.

Think back on all of those relationships.

You definitely learned what you liked, and obviously learned what you didn’t like, right? Next round, you won’t stick your hand in that honey pot if it appears to have those less than desirable traits.

You’re smarter. You choose more wisely.

When we remove our “so-called relationship failures” from memory, our self-esteem can free itself from the negative muck and soar.

There are no mistakes. Every past failure led you somewhere. Even miserable life occurrences, when reflected upon, took you towards something new. What we must realize is this: all those past relationship failures were also leading us towards something new….the right person…..real love.

Letting your mind clear out and release those so-called relationship failures, frees up an incredible amount of energy and space. Space to create and attract who we really want, versus attracting in low vibration, low self-esteem relationships that match those perceived failures from the past.

We need to realize every mistake was merely a step on the path towards what we want in love

Thinking about what you want seems positive and nice, but subtracting what you DON’T want from your mind—to clear the slate for what you do want—is extraordinary.

 

 

 

[image: via Camdiluv ♥ on flickr]

About the Author:

Tamara Star

Tamara Star believes happiness is not a destination, but instead the ability to see the ordinary through eyes of wonder. If you let her, she'll show you how to take the life you're living and turn it into a life you'll love. She's an international best selling author, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and MindBodyGreen, and is often featured on Yahoo News, Good Morning America and SiriusXM Insight Radio. She's also the creator of the original 40-day Personal reboot—a six-week clear the slate for more love & happiness virtual program. Find the details here. Her first book, a quick and easy read: How to Survive a Break Up and Come Out Thriving, is available on Amazon. Her co-authored book Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life sits on the International Best Sellers List. Follow her on Twitter , Facebook, and Pinterest. Want her free tips and tricks and 11 ways to instantly regain your balance? Click here

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