When emotional storms rage and threaten to damage our future, Francesca Rossellini suggests beginning with the third chakra. Happiness and love will follow.

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In my healing practice over the years I have seen many people struggle with maintaining or obtaining relationships because of the past. They sometimes have abandonment issues and get super needy and drive potential partners away or have experienced a profound betrayal and consequently shut their heart center down.

The former leads to repeated heartbreak. The latter has decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, not to risk heartbreak again. Both remain resolutely single (even if they ‘date’) or choose partners that they can’t or won’t fall in love with. Safe, but lonely.

So how do you know if your past is negatively impacting your love life?

First of all, are you in a happy, healthy relationship? Do you feel safe to be emotionally open and intimate? Do you guys have a rocking sex life? Does your partner encourage and support your dreams and goals? I’m hoping each answer was a resounding “Yes!”; if not, why not?

Remember, having a happy and loving relationship is a choice.

What if you have a pattern of just picking the wrong guy or girl? The cheaters and losers. It’s time to take a look at your third chakra, the seat of your self-esteem, confidence and courage.

If the energy around these are in a low vibration (not healthy) you are a magnet for other low vibration people. They come in all sorts of wonderful varieties so there’s sure to be one just right for you. There are victims, takers, narcissists, gamblers, emotional and/or physical abusers, spiritually bereft and of course, the personality disordered who are just delightful. Don’t forget the sociopaths, your garden variety cheaters and losers. Take your pick. Oh! It’s important to remember that they usually show up all shiny and appealing at first.

So what can you do to heal your third chakra? Remember, this is all about finding ways to feel good about yourself. It’s also about finding the courage to take healthy risks resulting in personal growth and healing.

Everything comes down to energy which means that everything either raises or lowers your vibration. So take a look around your life, at your partner if you have one, at your friends and colleagues, at your career or job, where you live and your lifestyle.

When I refer to something raising your vibration, I mean something that lifts you up, maybe makes you laugh, feel peaceful, loved, safe, happy, relaxed or anything in the positive realm. If, on the other hand, something lowers your vibration, it does the complete opposite. You can start healing yourself right now by cleaning house.

When I first met Rebecca during a healing group I was facilitating, I saw a slight, anxious to please girl who looked much younger than her 32 years. There were still traces of anorexic energy around her and I saw a very controlled but empty life. There was also zero sense of self. I looked at Rebecca and told her “you need a dream.” She needed a reason to heal. After a moment of shock the words fell out of her mouth: I want to go to Rome.

About a year and a half later Rebecca’s dream came true. But a lot of healing had happened in the meantime to make it work. Rebecca’s relationship history was consistent and dismal. At the core of her healing was altering the belief and fear that she just couldn’t take care of herself emotionally, physically, financially and every conceivable way. This belief had a devastating effect on her life for the previous 10 years. The anorexia had developed out of a need to control her world.

And even after she had climbed out of the eating disorder she still hadn’t actually healed. This resulted in the pursuit of one man after another with the primary purpose of getting him to take care of her. After an initial honeymoon period, when she would be on her best behavior, the truth would begin to emerge, the guy would pull away triggering Rebecca’s ultimate fear and then the neediness would explode. Cue the guy exiting stage left.

During Rebecca’s healing process she cleaned house. She let go of “friends” who didn’t really care about her, moved out of the apartment that depressed her, completely stopped dating for a while to give herself time to heal her third chakra, quit a job where she was grossly underpaid and exploited, moved across the country to a city she had always been drawn to and secured a great job which essentially doubled her salary within two years. That‘s how you heal your third chakra!

Now her approach to dating is dramatically different because her energy has changed so much. Now she is strong, grounded, safe in her own life and authentic. As a result, she is now happy in a really wonderful relationship.

When I’m working with someone’s energy, I’m looking for why they’re unhappy, sick, depressed, etc. What’s causing them to hemorrhage energy and get to this state?

If it’s loneliness and pining for a loving relationship, what are they broadcasting energetically to keep it at bay? I’ve seen everything from “I’m not good/attractive/thin/successful/spiritual enough,” “I’ll just get my heart broken again, it’s not worth it,” “Save me. Rescue me. I can’t be alone. I don’t want to take care of myself…”

You know who you are and if you think that you can hide that desperation, you’re wrong.

So if a wonderful, high vibration relationship is what you want, it’s worth doing the work to get it. Remember, it’s an inside job. All of the past wounds, future fears and everything in between that’s making it so difficult are possible to heal. 

If you’re in that other category and are currently in a relationship that’s lowering your vibration and hurting your spirit, take a deep breath and ask yourself “Would I rather live in this unhappiness, fear and resentment for the rest of my life or be happy?” And before you pick up sticks and leave, it’s your responsibility to heal yourself as much as possible while still in the relationship and give your partner the opportunity to step up.

I understand that there may be kids involved, a mortgage, joint accounts, the vacation home, etc but none of these factors have ever healed a relationship. Healing is always and only up to the two individuals involved. You may need to work with someone for a while to guide you with moving through the muck. Keep in mind that investing in your well-being and happiness, not to mention making your dreams come true, is priceless.

I’ve seen people go both ways. People that go against their spirit, stay in a relationship and get sick. I’ve also witnessed those that find the strength, courage and support to get out. In making that decision, they have already transformed their third chakra. Even if they’re scared (and who wouldn’t be?) they’ve already raised the bar. Finding the courage to follow your spirit changes your cellular memory in the most extraordinary ways.

So go for it. Regardless of your knuckle-headed mistakes in the past, you deserve great love.

[image via Angela Marie Henriette and jinterwas on flickr]