While Marilyn will have you believe diamonds are a girl’s best friend, women want more. Give your partner your presence and watch your relationship soar.
Editor’s note: We understand (and celebrate!) that relationships come in all shapes and sizes; while this article is written from the perspective of a heterosexual gentleman, we think the article offers concepts that most anyone can learn from.
There’s so much garbage out there when it comes to relationship advice. I think it’s because most people want the quick fix. There are, however, no quick fixes, especially when it comes to relationships.
There’s a popular line of thinking out there that the way to a woman’s heart is to buy her things, “the more expensive the better.”
While it’s brilliant marketing by the jewelry companies, especially De Beers, (for those of you interested in knowing how that craze started check this out) there is one gift I’ve found that trumps any kind of material good every single time. In fact, whenever I give this gift to my wife she falls more and more in love with me. It’s a gift that works repeatedly, no matter how many times I give her this same gift.
What’s this gift you ask? What’s the thing that I can give her every time that’s more precious than anything material?
That’s right, the best gift you can give your partner is your unwavering, commanding presence.
But what is presence really? It’s a word that’s tossed around a lot these days, but what does it really mean?
Presence, for me, means being able to generate attention to something without anything else getting in the way.
In other words, I’m focused on one thing and only one thing. My mind is quiet without thoughts, every action is in service to the object of my attention. Nothing can distract me from what I am focused on.
Now this might seem crazy for a lot of men out there, especially given what we are brought up to believe—that the way to her heart is through ‘things’ and that we need to prove our love through purchasing power.
But maybe this, because of what we are indoctrinated with at a young age, is why women love a partner who is able to be present in the moment with them. Many single women I know have talked about how they yearn for a man who can be present with them on dates.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, a lot of things can get in the way of us being present. I know I’ve certainly been guilty of thinking that other things are more important than the attention I give my wife—things like building my business so we can have a secure future, or the doings of day-to-day life. Things that are by their very nature important to me (and should be), but can get in the way of me taking the time to really sit down and be with my wife.
The things you are dealing with in your life are, in fact, all important things that need to get handled; but oftentimes I’ve done only these things and thought myself a good husband because “I took care of business.” This is the trap that we, as men, can fall into that we think makes us good partners.
The truth is, that’s only half the equation. All of those things are important and do need to get done, but the other half of it is how much attention can you give your partner and for how long?
A study about why women cheat (check it out here) reveals that most women cheat because they want more sexual passion in their relationship. Presence is one of the big elements that helps create sexual passion inside any relationship. When you are present in your relationship, you are connected with your partner. And when you are connected with your partner, you will be present to the love and passion you have for each other. (Which means, one of the extra benefits of taking on being present is your partner is less likely to look elsewhere for passion.)
So the next time that you are busy handling everything that’s come on your plate with regards to life, stop and ask yourself: How much time have I spent being present with my partner?
If you answer that question with “not enough,” carve some time out of your schedule to sit and connect. I promise you it will be well worth your time!
This article was published with the Good Men Project; republished with the kindest permission.
About the Author
Scott DeStephanis is a Men’s Relationship Coach and Speaker who has over 7 years of experience in leading seminars, workshops and presentations internationally. Scott’s goal is to impact and facilitate connection within relationships by teaching men how to communicate in a way that is true, honest and easily understood by their partners. You can learn more about him and also download his free e-book The 5 Keys to More Sex at MensRelationshipCoaching.com