in: Dating & Relationships

Dear Alisa: My Best Friend’s Boyfriend is a Jerk

When your best friend finds love, you want to embrace their new romance. But, things don’t always go so smoothly. What do you do if the boyfriend is a jerk?

Dear Alisa,

My best friend’s boyfriend is a total douchebag! He treats her horribly and he is verbally and emotionally abusive to her, she totally knows this, but is so in love with him that she won’t leave him. I don’t want to hang out when he’s around because I can’t stand to watch how he treats her and I don’t want to have conversations with her about it anymore because she keeps putting up with it and there’s not much more I can say to her about it. She deserves so much better, but how do I get her to see that and leave this jerk?

Dear Bestie,

We know that people won’t change until they’re ready to, until they choose to, so spending energy on trying to change anyone is moot. Your friend won’t leave her boyfriend until she has a change within and makes that choice from her own desire.

The most loving thing we can do for anyone is to just be present with them during their struggles, not trying to change anything or get them to see our perspective, but to be right next to them with an open and empathetic heart. Holding space for them is the most powerful thing we can do to support their growth and finding their own desire for change, eliminating any judgement that arises in you regarding it.

Holding a space of loving encouragement, free from criticism of what you think they should do, won’t cause them to isolate while they’re hurting and will in turn provide a door for finding their own awareness and the path to get there. Encouraging their spirit with compliments instead of criticism, filling their minds with images of how they deserve to be loved because they are so amazing, opening their heart to feel safe and confident to make change by just being present with them through their process, loving them unconditionally even when you disagree with their decisions.

The beautiful and divinely inspired truth about life is that we are all on our own journeys to evolve soulfully for our individual greater good, and therefore the highest good of all beings. Even when we think we see what would be best for someone, we must allow them to find what is best for them and support them regardless, unconditional love means loving without judgement.

Of course, if your friend was in any serious danger you should take an active approach for her safety. Be a space where she can feel safe, loved, and find empowerment through your words of empathetic support and often, just your loving silence where she can speak freely and not feel alone with her troubles.

You must also love yourself by doing what feels healthy for you, if it becomes too negative and taxing on your energy, it’s ok to give yourself a little space without causing her to feel abandoned by you. Intuitively, you will always know when and what to do or not do when your intention is to do the most loving thing for all involved. Often, that means staying out of it and holding loving space from a distance, until the tides change, but I encourage you to stay connected and love her through it, be her inspiration and her cheerleader!



Dear Reader: do you have any dating or relationship questions for Alisa? Yes? Excellent! Send us a love note to [email protected] with the subject line: DEAR ALISA and have a happy day! 

About the Author:

Alisa Kalina

Highly-attuned empath and clairsentient intuitive, Alisa Kalina promotes self-love and transformation by connecting people to their own hearts and to the hearts of all. She provides multi-dimensional support, wisdom, intuitively inspired guidance, and compassionate coaching, to empower your growth and connect you with your divine self. Through intuitive, clairsentient receiving and connection to your Higher Self, her guidance can clear energetic blockages, heal emotional wounds, break self-defeating patterns, clarify and transmute conflict, transform your relationships, as well as creating soul inspired change for your evolution, empowerment, and healing. Check out Alisa's weekly advice column here on MeetMindful and learn more about Alisa's work at


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