in: Wellness

5 Ways Breakup Pain is NOT Related to Love

Guest Contributor

It’s easy to equate breakup pain to the loss of a partner’s love. As it turns out, there are other, deeper factors that might actually be causing your woe.


When people face a breakup situation, they always think that the pain they feel is due to love. Truth is, love plays (surprisingly) only a small role in the pain of a breakup.

The depression felt after getting dumped is as a result of a combination of different reasons (and not just one reason—love, which most people think it is). All these different reasons come together to form the pain you are feeling right now.

To help you understand this better, I have listed five little-known reasons why breakup hurt so much. An interesting thing to note is none of these have to do with “love” for your ex. They, in large part, have to do with you and the way your mind works.

Five Ways Breakup Pain is NOT Related to Love

When you accept the fact that love plays only a small role in the way you feel, it will be easier to regain control over your emotions.

1. You are now worried about your future.

Most people have doubts about whether they can find another relationship after a breakup. Although this feeling is normal, constant worrying about the future can cause you much pain. Thus, we can see that a portion of your pain has to do with worry… and not love for your ex. It’s worry about the future that’s stressing you out and making you feel depressed. If you were to find someone new in the next few weeks or months, you would no longer feel this pain about the future.

2. Negative emotions are resurfacing.

Some people use their relationship as a means of comfort. This often happens if they have a poor connection with their family, friends or colleagues …and so tend to depend on their boyfriend or girlfriend for comfort. If someone does this too much (and a lot of people do) a breakup can be particularly devastating.

When a breakup occurs, instead of thinking that your ex was “The One,” that you can never be happy without them, realize you let yourself become overly dependent on just one person for your emotional well-being. You should look to develop your relationships with your friends and family and never depend on just one person (whoever that is) like this. We can see here that you don’t love your ex as such, but only love what they provided you with—comfort. Anyone can do this for you, but if you don’t have anyone else to turn to, it can seem like you’ve lost your whole world when you lose your ex.

3. Your pride is hurting right now.

Rejection normally hits our pride. And when our pride is hurt …guess what? We feel PAIN. But again, the important thing to realize is that this pain has nothing to do with your ex; it has to do with you and your pride being damaged. If you can make this crucial differentiation, you will be able to recover much more quickly than would otherwise be the case. Getting over a dented pride is much easier to do than getting over “having lost your destiny” or “the love of your life”—which is what a lot of people’s minds trick them into believing is causing pain. 

4. Your confidence has taken a knock.

Being dumped also knocks a persons confidence. This is particularly the case if that person has self-image issues. You might think your partner dumped you because you’re ugly, annoying, boring, etc. All these thoughts will naturally cause you pain; however, if you manage to isolate this factor, you will realize that a portion of your pain is caused by your confidence issues, not your ex. Any issues with your confidence need to be tackled independently. You should not make the mistake of thinking you can “fix” your self-confidence issues by getting back with your ex. This would not fix the problem… only wall-paper over the problem.

5. Your life routines have been turned upside down.

When you breakup with your ex, you will lose certain routines you used to do together. You will no longer have someone to sit down with you every weekend to watch the X-factor or have them text you last thing at night before you go to bed. Losing these routines causes pain. But again, this pain is not intrinsically tied to your ex. Routines like this are something you would have had (and will have again) with any partner. The problem is, for the time-being, you will lose these life routines. The important thing to remember is it’s this loss of routine that is causing you pain. Don’t make the mistake of misinterpreting this pain as being intrinsically connected to the love you shared with your ex.

Final Thoughts

There is no such thing as an easy breakup. I know, I’ve gone through a few. But when you realize the kinds of things that cause so much pain in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, you can reduce that pain quite quickly… which, in turn, allows you to get over this breakup.

Breakup pain always consists of several components; but most of these have nothing to do with love for your ex. 

[image: via shutterstock]


About the Author

john alexJohn Alex Clark is a Relationship Coach & NLP Practitioner from Dublin Ireland. He is also an entrepreneur, a motivational speaker, and an author. His background in relationship coaching, neuro-linguistic-programming, science, psychology and—perhaps most importantly—innovation have created a unique skill-set which he has concentrated mainly in the field of love psychology. He is recognized as the world’s leading expert in the field of Lovemaps (the field of study into how to make someone fall in love with you).

He is the founder of the relationship advice website RelationshipPsychology.com and is the author of the two best-selling relationship programs: THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology and THE ERASE CODE: How To Get Over Anyone In Less Than A Week Using Psychology. His book, THE LOVEMAP CODE, is the first book to be released on the topic of Lovemaps since Dr. John Money’s (the man who coined the term Lovemap) death in 2006 and marks a major step forward in our understanding of this field.

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