in: Dating & Relationships

Can We Cultivate Sexual Chemistry?

There are many of us who feel that we always fall for the wrong type of person. We wish we could be attracted to that “good” guy or “good” girl, but the thrilling, not-so-good-for-us mates are always the ones that steal our hearts.

Is it possible to cultivate sexual chemistry, or attraction, for a person that we really like, but aren’t sure if we feel that sexual chemistry with? Attraction is actually much more flexible than we tend to believe it to be. While it may be true that we will always feel an initial spark and strong pull towards certain people, it is possible to develop attraction over time.

Here’s how it can be done:

  • Let go of expectations. We can blame it on Hollywood love stories or television shows, but we often have an unrealistic expectation of love and relationships. We want to be swept off our feet. We want intense passion that lasts forever. We want problem-free relationships. The first step towards having better relationships is to have a more realistic view of what love is. Good relationships take hard work. Intense passion will ebb and flow. Your ideal mate might not be the person that you expected. Stay open to all of the different possibilities that life presents to you.

  • Don’t focus on the negative. When we are uncertain about a mate, we tend to focus on all of the qualities that we don’t like about them and all the doubts that we have. Naturally, if we only think about the negative things, we don’t leave a lot of room for cultivating attraction. While it’s important to be aware of the things you’re uncertain about, try not to spend an excessive amount of time focusing on them.

  • Do focus on your attraction. Studies have shown that attraction can build over time, but it needs to be exercised like a muscle. Spend time thinking about the things you like and desire about this person, both physically and emotionally. Fantasies and feelings will grow and develop the more you focus your thoughts on these things.

  • Hold off on sex. If you’re not sure if the sexual chemistry is there in the beginning, hold off on sex. Not jumping into bed right away will allow your attraction to grow and your sexual connection to intensify.

  • Accept when it’s just not right. Although it’s important to give the relationship a fair chance, if after a few months of dating if you haven’t been able to generate an attraction, it might be time to accept that even though this person might be wonderful, they are just not right for you. It’s important to take care of your own heart and well being, but you also want to be sure that you aren’t hurting the other person. If you suspect after trying the tips above that you might never feel sexual chemistry with your partner, it’s probably time to part ways.


[photo: via janwillemsen on flickr]

About the Author:


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