Sometimes it’s the smallest pivot that can have the most far-reaching effects. Learn how to transform your dating with a conscious shift in thinking.
Iâm convinced my love of love stories comes from my sister. I wouldnât call it genetic, since our parents werenât great models of softness and affection. On second thought, thatâs probably how we arrived at loving love the way we did: we were hardwired for it. Whether we knew it or not, my sister and I hungered for examples of solid, enduring relationships that transcended what weâd seen as kids in our home and extended family.
For my sister, she spent much of her teen life in between the pages of Harlequin romances, much to our motherâs amazement. âYou keep reading those things,â she warned, âand theyâll spoil you for real love.â It wasnât that sheâd hoped for a prince or a rock star to scoop her up into a perfect life, I think she just wanted a healthy relationship template to build onâone that looked nothing like the kind weâd been given. For myself, I fell in love with love much later, once Iâd grown winded from chasing potential—instead of accepting the reality of my romantic relationships.
Hereâs the disclaimer: you are not wrong.
Giving yourself permission to love and be loved deeply—despite your imperfect past or your imaginings of a loveless future—means thereâs plenty youâve done right already. Sometimes, the longing for love and relationship can throw us so far from our center, it canât help but impact the way we see ourselves and everyone around us. Rather than feeling shamed or sad-faced about the steps youâve taken toward love, letâs take a moment to lay them out and give credit where itâs due. Because for every attempt you made at love and you think you failed, there are countless people who can only wish theyâd had half as much courage to take a similar risk themselves.
Feeling down about your dating and relationship prospects along with all of the efforts youâve made for loveâs sake? If so, itâs possible the experience is triggering old stories of hurt, self-worth, and disappointment. And while itâs important to allow those feelings to come, itâs equally key to examine them from a different perspective this time. Be willing to get curious about any information you get in the process. Iâve listed a few examples of common dating frustrations to show you a conscious shift in your thinking could make the difference that helps you refresh your loving nature.
“Online dating is brutalâŠand pointless.”
My friend Dana has been active on at least nine relationship sites in the past three years. Each time she registers, she swears it will be different, only to wind up disappointed at âthe scienceâ behind their matching algorithms and âthe caliberâ of her dates.
Where creditâs due: Dana gets props for widening her dating options by exploring the offerings of a variety of dating sites, and for being proactive. She didnât let her efforts languish on just one or two sites that werenât delivering good returns for her.
Finding the insight: Since Dana continues to be disappointed at the results sheâs getting, Iâd encourage her to take a second look at her profile, prompting her with questions like: Are the photos a current and accurate? Does the language go beyond the usual âIâm fun and activeâ paragraph? Whose opinion do I trust enoughâmale and femaleâto ask them for feedback about my profile?
“Men donât want to get serious.”
Gregg is a great guy. He prides himself of knowing what he wants and wastes no time in going for it. Heâs ready for a husband, but feels like heâs the only man he knows whoâs ready for serious commitment. When heâs feeling especially disappointed with his dating life, he often says, âMen only want one thing.â
Where creditâs due: Great job, Gregg. Knowing what you want is a crucial part of a relationship because it helps you clarify your goals and lets your partner know, in very certain terms, what youâre looking for. As the saying goes: If you donât know where youâre going, thatâs where youâll end up.
Finding the insight: As important as it is to know your needs and to understand your thinking, itâs also wise not to cling too tightly to them. In Greggâs case, he did himself a disservice by harboring the belief that all men were promiscuous and unwilling to settle down. Going in with that mindset not only compromised his chances of finding the right mate, it also continually landed him in scenarios that proved him right.
“Conscious dating? I canât.”
After twelve years of marriage that ended in divorce, Tina is once again new to dating. The bar scene has long lost its appeal and sheâs loathe to go on dates arranged by her friends. In theory, conscious dating appeals to her, but practical application is something else. âI donât actually know what it means,â she said. âAnd what if my version of being spiritual or conscious doesnât match up with my date? It seems ego-driven and woo-woo and overwhelming to me.â
Where creditâs due: Tina is to be commended for her willingness to open to new relationship possibilities, despite her uncertainty about how to pursue them. To be sure, re-entry into the world of dating isnât for the faint of heart, but it can be a welcome place for the open-hearted.
Finding the insight: Interestingly enough, acknowledging that she doesnât know what to do is central to a spiritual or mindful dating approach. Itâs akin to âbeginnerâs mind,â the simplicity of ânot knowingâ that allows us to be curious and open to learning about ourselves and each other as we go. Entering into an experience without our preconceptions can be a wholly satisfying aspect to any journey.
Even if you donât see yourself reflected in these scenarios, youâre not alone in the desire to love and be loved by someone special. First off: let that someone special be you. After all, itâs your own capacity to love and honor yourself that sets the tone for every relationship youâll ever have.
Second: remember thereâs information in our feelingsâall of them. Allow your disappointments, anxieties, and old notions to lend their wisdom to a new love story.