in: Dating & Relationships

Dear Alisa: I’m Losing Myself to a Relationship

When involved in a relationship—new or long term—we risk losing ourselves just a little. Here’s Alisa’s take on what a co-dependent relationship means.

Dear Alisa,

I’ve been in a long term relationship for over four years now. When my boyfriend and I first got together, I considered myself incredibly independent. I still do in fact, but feel like over time I’ve grown more and more co-dependent in this relationship.

It’s heart-breaking and really challenges my mind and the two of us as partners. He recognizes this too, and in many different ways it’s impacted us in a negative way—bringing out ugly sides in us both. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get a grasp on who I really am with him anymore. When the ugly sides come out, he can be very short tempered and knows we’re better than what we’ve ultimately become.

I continue to try and be ‘myself’ again or at least give us the space we need. I just feel like I’m drowning—not getting over this ugly trait. Is this a sign we need to move on, or are there steps I/we should take to help strengthen our relationship again?

Dear Drowning,

It is time to come up for air and breathe fully again, as only your own lungs can inhale the oxygen you need to live.

Many independent people find themselves becoming co-dependent in relationships because it’s easy to unknowingly merge energy with another’s—to the point in which you don’t recognize your own energy anymore. That loss of vital connection to your own spirit can cause the feeling of drowning and not knowing where or how to surface back into the sunlight of your own shining. I suggest that this be your first area of focus before your relationship and your partner.

Reconnecting to your Self and your own divine energy is the first step to take to receive more clarity on what is truly causing this “ugly” side of you to be present and active. If that means you need to take some space from your relationship in order to fully encompass the connection to your highest self, independence, and change you desire, then absolutely provide that gift of space to you and your partner.

The “ugliness” you experience as being active is merely a compass, directing you to the awareness of imbalance and disharmony within yourself and your relationship. Even if your partner changed in the ways you think would help your union, there is still something within you that needs your loving attention and needs to be healed. This is what these traits are guiding you to see.

Others are not responsible for our reactions or actions. They can definitely inspire them—whether negative or positive—but our reactions/responses are signs of what needs to be evaluated within us and not outside of us. Once you have more clarity on where that negativity connects with you on a deeper level, you will be more empowered to know what to do next for yourself and for the relationship you desire to have.

I’m guided to encourage you both to allow yourselves and your union some breathing room before working together on the relationship. If you feel lost, you must be the one to find yourself again—and that is a very exciting opportunity and special place to be!

When the timing is right and you both feel whole, positive, and have eliminated any subconscious need for co-dependence, each shining strong in your own light, you can then co-create a relationship that your hearts truly desire and your spirits can flourish in. That will be the time to seek out couples counseling or other avenues of healing/transformation together to strengthen your bond and illuminate your love for one another—an experience of working together in harmony for a relationship that brings the best out of you both and raises your vibrations. We are empowered to choose relationships that naturally bring out the best in us, lift us to connection with our highest self, and organically inspire that to shine forth.

Each person must be happy and whole independently to remain happy and whole when united. Having gratitude for the discomfort and negative aspects you’re experiencing means saying “thank you” for being shown where to give yourself more love, where there are unresolved emotional wounds, and where you need to gain awareness within.

When we choose to fill our own hearts, create our own joys, and provide unconditional love to internal places that are presenting the need, we will then be able to invest that same intention into others and have healthy, reciprocal, and harmonious connections to pour our love into.

You’re not drowning, Dear One. You’re simply being guided to find your breath and know your own unique, brilliant light again!

Shine On!



Dear Reader: do you have any dating or relationship questions for Alisa? Yes? Excellent! Send us a love note to [email protected] with the subject line: DEAR ALISA and have a happy day! 

About the Author:

Alisa Kalina

Highly-attuned empath and clairsentient intuitive, Alisa Kalina promotes self-love and transformation by connecting people to their own hearts and to the hearts of all. She provides multi-dimensional support, wisdom, intuitively inspired guidance, and compassionate coaching, to empower your growth and connect you with your divine self. Through intuitive, clairsentient receiving and connection to your Higher Self, her guidance can clear energetic blockages, heal emotional wounds, break self-defeating patterns, clarify and transmute conflict, transform your relationships, as well as creating soul inspired change for your evolution, empowerment, and healing. Check out Alisa's weekly advice column here on MeetMindful and learn more about Alisa's work at


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