in: Intentional Living

Embracing Your Inner Bad Boy…Mindfully

Have you ever wished you could attract women like bad boys do, but without actually having to become a bad boy?


I had always struggled to attract women, but the thought of being a jerk, manipulating or lying to people didn’t sit well with me. So when I became single a few years ago, I was determined to figure out how to get bad boy results without sacrificing my integrity. Here is what I found, distilled down to three simple keys to change you from a boring nice guy to a woman magnet while leaving your morals and ethics intact.

1. Be Cool.

I don’t mean cool like the Fonz or James Dean. Be cool toward other people by detaching from what they think and feel about you. That means freeing yourself from the need to please others and refusing to be responsible for their happiness. You can and should still care about the overall wellbeing of others—that’s part of maintaining your integrity—but practice detaching from their moment-to-moment feelings about you.

Be clear on the fact you cannot control how someone responds to you, only how you treat them. So whenever you become concerned about how someone feels about you—and they are not your mother or your boss—let it go. Remind yourself that if you treated them fairly it is not your responsibility how they feel.

The second part of being cool is working on your image. Bad boys actually put great effort into perfecting their look whether it is being a cowboy or a Wall Street banker. If your look isn’t working, spend some time at your local hot spots watching what does work. Then pick a look you can pull off and make it your own.

2. Be Confident.

I’m talking about the genuine, comfortable in your own skin, not the “I’m better than you” or the “fake it ‘til you make it” kind. Real confidence comes from surviving tough situations and trusting in your resiliency and resourcefulness. Take a moment and reflect on all the tough situations you have survived and the challenges you could handle.

Being excellent at what you do—career, hobbies, etc.—can be another source of confidence. If all that is not enough, start practicing a martial art.

Feeling confident is only the first step; you also need to project confidence. Stand tall with your shoulders back, head up and eyes forward. When you sit, relax and take up space. Practice holding eye contact with a hint of a smile when you look at someone.

Next, practice making quick decisions. Nothing projects confidence more than being able to make quick decisions. The trick is trusting that most decisions are relatively unimportant and that your intuition will guide you when it is important.

Finally, practice speaking with confidence. Confidence when speaking is mostly about being relaxed and comfortable. The secret is to practice speaking to people all the time, especially strangers. Talk to everyone around you wherever you go. Say hello to cashiers and ask then how their day is going. Talk to the people in line around you at the coffee stand by asking about something interesting they are wearing or how their day is going. The goal is to get comfortable striking up conversations everywhere you go so when you are standing next to an attractive woman, you can start a conversation with her just like you would with anyone else.

3. Be Fun.

When you go out, focus on having fun, not trying to meet women. Women can tell when a guy is just trying to pick them up. If you are having a good time, your fun and positive attitude will make women—and men—want to hang out with you.

To enhance your fun attitude, practice a few good jokes so you can tell them well when the opportunity presents itself. Learn to tell a funny or interesting story in less than a minute as in “You won’t believe what happen to me today…” or “Did you hear [celebrity] broke up with [celebrity]”. Keep up with what’s hot on TV and the web to get your material—just don’t feel like you have to be a comedian or make fun of your self.

The killer technique though is to (gently) bust on a women when she makes a mistake or does something silly. You can call her a dork or a klutz or anything that is not too mean. Do it with a hint of a smile and some confidence so she can’t tell if you are really criticizing her or just making a joke. When done correctly, she will be confused and intrigued by what you meant. Keep her uncertainty going and before you know it she will be hanging out with you. You can even do this when you are dating someone to spice things up.

These keys take practice, but you don’t need to be perfect. Even minor changes can lead to noticeable results and as you continue to improve, they synergistically feed off of each other. The best part is that you will enjoy life more and may even see results in your career and friendships. Just remember that as with all power, it can be used for good or evil, so maintain your integrity and always practice good dating karma.

As always, please sign in and share your comments, questions and experiences below.


Dr. Scott

[photo: via Mohammed Nairooz on flickr]

About the Author:

Scott Carroll

Dr. Scott Carroll is an associate professor of child and adolescent psychiatry and is the Director of Psychiatric Consultation Services at the University of New Mexico Children’s Hospital where he specializes in pediatric psycho-oncology and neuropsychiatry. He is also a full mesa carrying shaman in the Andean tradition and the founder of the Ayni Neuroscience Institute, which is dedicated to the integration of indigenous healing wisdom and cutting edge neuroscience. In his spare time, he writes about dating and relationships and mentors marriage minded singles at Marry the Right One.


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