in: Intentional Living

“Fake It Til You Make It” (Even in Love)

While no one really aspires to be fake, Macy Matarazzo found a way to flip this word on its head. Learn the undiscovered value of “fake” in finding love.

I didn’t know exactly why “fake it til you make it” felt yucky to me.

I’ve felt this phrase confusing for some time, as there were plenty of times it was a sensible go-to phrase when in a fit of panic. 
Saying “fake it until you make it” can be a way to blast through struggle so you can overcome the obstacle ahead—as if you are borrowing courage from some storage locker in the universe to persevere.

But to me, the vibe of “fake it until you make it” makes whatever your “faking” feel super hard to do, and like a big fat lie. Basically you are tricking yourself into an experience and hoping it will stick. And in truth, it can work. The problem is, it still feels bogus.

The word “fake” is supercharged with disdain and judgement. It is a word that says, “oh, no you didn’t!”

I don’t need to be reprimanded by a word.

Back off, word, I say.

When I hear “fake it” I think of the scene in When Harry met Sally when Meg Ryan faked an orgasm at Katz’s Delicatessen. Poor Harry didn’t even know it was possible to be betrayed in the sack, and now he does. Nothing like a little humiliation in your corned beef sandwich.

Fake also reminds me of “Real Housewives” drama, where snotty, bitchy women yell back and forth, “Oh, you are sooo fake.” The next thing you know they’re splashing each other with martinis, a table gets flipped over, and a couple of glossy, scrappy women get walked out of a 5-star restaurant drenched in vodka.

Toxic fakeness is taking its toll. 

Fake feels like fear. It is false, fraudulent, a lie… and takes so much effort! Faking anything seems to take more energy and force to simulate a state that is not authentic. Ultimately, it is just a cheap-o band-aid that is as ugly as the wound.

The crazy part? Science proves “fake it until you make it” actually works.  

Whatever you imagine, your body believes and responds as if it were actually happening. Studies show that the brain activity that occurs when you wave your hand is the same brain activity that occurs when you imagine waving your hand.

Additionally, our brains love images. Where you can have 1000 words to describe the experience of cuddling, seeing one image of a mom cradling her new born baby can conjure up 1000 words in an instant glance. Wowzers. Isn’t that awesome?!

I heart science because it proves that if we choose to take action towards our goals, work with our mindset, get support, and learn new ways of being, we have the capacity to make powerful change in our lives. In this way we all can be superheroes with the superpower of choice.

I think everyone has had to fake it many times in different social situations. I remember when I was working as a project manager, having to plaster on a smile at a manager’s 15th anniversary party. My co-workers and I squished in conference room B, under the florescent lights, no windows, beige walls—the same place that doubled as the grave for office chairs with bum wheels or broken height adjusters. I sat in the awkward silence as we all choked down items from the pot luck buffet and I squeaked out some “mmms” and a high pitched probably not-so-confident “delicious.”

Now that’s an example of “fake it until you make it.”

But… faking it was exhausting and torturous. Never mind how disgusting I felt sitting in my cubicle after politely eating an upsetting combo of bean casserole, brownie and some neon orange crunchy cheese doodles (don’t tell me that cheese wasn’t F.A.K.E.).

Then, I had an epiphany!

The flip-side or upside of fake is play

Play is about imagination, creativity and ease—nothing like the pain of faking it! The key is in where fake and play live in our bodies: fake is in the mind and holds fear, play is in our heart and holds love. Fake is energy of force and play is the energy of flow!

BAM! This is great news because I can play and feel good about it. So how can I use this to transcend the obstacles that get in the way of what I want? Before I answer that I must share these cool quotes on imagination!

“We always attract into our lives whatever we thing about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly.” —Shakti Gawain

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution. It is, strictly speaking, a real factor in scientific research” —Albert Einstein.

I am so grateful to have had a childhood where imagination was integral part of play for me. Often it looked like playing outside, making the leaves of a lilac bush a typewriter, pretending sticks and rocks were nuts and bolts I could sell at my imaginary hardware store. The swing set was a space ship and after a series of pumping our legs to swing as high as possible we could leap off to land on a new planet.

So in discovering the ugly baggage that comes with faking it, I was inspired to give the ol’ “fake it until you make it” jingle a makeover! Here are my slightly-corny but full of BIG HAPPY LOVE mantras that celebrate the science of visualization through the power of love:

  • Play until hooray!
  • Pretend and transcend! (my favorite)
  • Imagination to a celebration!

Where fake can bring on anxiety and feels forced, play, pretend and imagination connect us to ease, flow and love. Humans long for connection, realness and truth—which are the gifts of play and imagination.

Here are three powerful ways you can use any of these big happy love mantras on the path to attracting your special person:

1. Experience Love Now

Imagine holding the hands of your future partner and feel love now! Use one of these mantras in your meditation to access the experience easily. Imagination to celebration… then dive into imagining life with your dreamy partner!

Experience your ideal relationship in way that you feel full of love. If you notice resistance or fear, you are faking it—let go of trying so hard to be in it, and instead allow and play into love.

2. Just Be You

Try using “play until horray” when you are surfing dating sites, writing to a potential partner, going on a date, mingling at a singles event or just noticing someone interesting in the Starbucks line. This doesn’t mean start juggling bags of coffee beans to get the attention of the cute guy in line.

“Play until hooray” is like turning on your fun switch, which immediately eliminates the seriousness and brings you into the present moment. “Play until hooray” activates the belief, hope and possibility of love inside of you and connects you to your truth, making you more magnetic and opening up to just be you.

3. Find the Best Story

Notice if you are getting stuck in fear. Fear that there is no one out there for you. Fearful you will be attracting the same jerks as before. When you identify the fear, use “pretend to transcend” to resource loving thoughts and steer you to choices that inspire you back to love.

If negative self-talk is creating distress, what is a better feeling thought? If you had to make up a winning story about what to do, what would it be?  Don’t make it difficult, allow it to be fun. If you were Oprah what would she say? It is up to you to choose thoughts, beliefs and experiences that do feel better. Take action; do fun stuff and live by the most empowering stories, this will build your confidence. Because people who know how to have fun are incredibly attractive.

Any of these mantras are a fun start to playing into love! The super duper truth is you are divine and beautiful just as you are. You are worth whatever it takes to help your perfect partner find you.

So if you long for a blissful and meaningful partnership, take a stand for yourself and get the support and tools that will give you the capacity to create it. Because everyone deserves Big Happy Love.

About the Author:

Macy Harjot Matarazzo

Macy Harjot Matarazzo aka Rev Lunchlady---Love Coach/Unicorn Wrangler. Founder of Love Vibe TV, The Church of Kitschy Love, and The Love Advantage programs for women. A first-time bride at 43 with over 25 years of collecting failed relationships, devastating heart breaks, and dateless holiday parties before she finally found the formula which broke the painful cycle! Now she devotes her life to helping other smart, spiritually-conscious women stop the madness and draw in a meaningful and blissful love. She calls it “Unicorn Love” because it is the kind of love you never thought could exist. Her NO rules dating strategy connects women to their inner wisdom and confidence, to navigate the dating world and life with ease and to be a beacon of radiance that calls in the perfect match. This is a playful and spiritual path to real self-love, so not only do you open up to all the best people, partners, and opportunities for you, you fall deeply in love with yourself. Want to find your unicorn love? Connect with Macy here: The Love Advantage or join her group Smart, Single, Spiritually Conscious Women