If you find yourself on yet another date with another person you’re just not attracted to, it might be time to evaluate why (and what to do about it).
They say that you always have the love life you want— and I think they’re right (whoever they are.). Now before you get your undergarments in a ruffle, hold on. This truth means something different for everyone. If you happen to be the one that is lover-less and continues to meet people you are not attracted to: it’s time to take a deeper look.
Don’t be afraid, it can only help. And, I know exactly where to look.
Real attraction comes from three things: trust, connection, and desire. But first, in order to address those elements, we need to look at what your most valued currency is in a relationship. Could it be safety and financial security? Maybe, affection and emotional connection? Or, how about intelligence and wit?
Take a moment and put these in your order of most importance.
You have the love you want because of the currency you choose and what your real desire is. There are a thousand combinations. I worked with someone once whose true currency was affection and emotional connection, but the fear she carried about being poor was stronger. She attracted a very wealthy man who did all the right things in the courtship process, most of them financial. But, as she invested deeper into the relationship because of the apparent financial stability, she found this person wasn’t capable of real emotional stability and connection. Their sexual relationship wasn’t really sustainable, nor the relationship.
When you have the love you like, it’s because your currency and desire match. Or, you’re able to allow yourself to accept and balance your needs with your desires. That leads us to the three golden nuggets of attraction.
Trust is when, at a core level, you trust your inner source, yourself.
Sexual freedom and complete attraction happens when you aren’t looking for another to fulfill your needs. Seeking a partner based on what you need supports an inner theory that you aren’t able to fulfill your own needs. Therefore, when disappointment comes, and it will, your sexuality and attraction for your partner will be stifled for a time until you adjust your perspective.
Trust also means trusting your potential sexual partner to be the kind of sexual partner that makes you feel comfortable. Consider the partners you’re attracting are exactly what you feel comfortable with and then take an inventory. For example: If you’re attracting partners that are insensitive and harsh, consider that, on some level, that is what makes you comfortable and begin to look at deeper spiritual or emotional patterning as to why?
Connection happens, sexually, when you are open to another person energetically or emotionally, and are able to allow the vulnerability that is required for an exchange. Vulnerability here means receptivity. You are able to be receptive to your partner’s energy, emotion, or needs.
It’s possible to be open to another’s energy or emotion unconsciously. I had an experience one time: I met this man and our initial attraction was off the charts. I couldn’t sleep for days. The feelings I was having weren’t rational, they were subliminal. Keep in mind that I wasn’t dating this man, we were acquaintances. While we did flirt a little, this attraction went on for months until finally, one day, he posted a photo on social media of himself several years earlier. In the photo, he was standing with his young daughter and looking quite different. He looked exactly like my father when I was a young girl! Yikes! (My father died when I was eleven.) In that moment, everything changed. Now, when he would drift across my mind, the fatherly picture would come up instead of the sexy one I was used to seeing. Whew! I cannot tell you the relief. In that moment, the rational connection and relationship took center stage instead of the subliminal one I had received—which was my childhood and my father.
Desire is twofold. There is the hormonal desire generated by your procreative instincts. Most women have increased desire when they ovulate and most men can sense a woman’s ovulation cycle. I’ve not noticed it being any different for same-sex partners as for most people awareness of the hormonal cycles are subliminal and people often respond to how a person is responding to them, if they are open.
The second element of desire is connection through resonance. When you witness, overtly or subliminally, a person who represents what you think you need, want, or align with. Who out there has been attracted to the funny one? Only to find out their humor is anchored in some sort of trauma that possibly makes a relationship un-sustainable, as it’s easy to use humor to mask deeper painful feelings. We attract what we think we want or the state or condition we are in, so those are the two questions to ask yourself.
Make no mistake, we are all in a state of flux when it comes to trust, connection, and desire. They are core spiritual, emotional, and physical life lessons that everyone experiences. Know that they are elements to cultivate within yourself, there is no pass/fail here. You can’t break them or do them wrong. You must always stay in the quiet ebb and flow of your awareness and command of them.
Be patient with yourself and look at the subtle information that the Creator gives you about yourself through whom you attract; and, if you find someone you like, try letting yourself be attracted to them.