in: Dating & Relationships

How to Spot Unhealthy Chemistry

With any new relationship we want to know if the chemistry is just right. Expert Amita Patel offers some surprising (and vital) tips on identifying unhealthy chemistry.

Picture this: You meet a guy at a bar. Your eyes lock. You know something is meant to happen between you two. The truth is that intuition aside, you just eye f*cked. Plain and simple.

Chemistry is undeniable. We call it many names: true love, lust, attraction, but whether it’s emotional or physical, chemistry is more about you than the space between the two of you. 

Most of the time when we meet new people, we decide if the encounter was successful based on his or her actions or reactions. But since I’m all about personal responsibility, (and since I can’t help if you chose to go on a date with a weirdo) what determines if the chemistry is healthy or unhealthy is you:

  • Are you confident enough to be your true self for 2-3 hours?
  • Can you get out of your own head about who you think you’re supposed to be?
  • Are you comfortable being present and releasing attachment to a specific outcome?

Most people meet others with a myriad of hypothetical outcomes already in their head. And there was a time when I did too, approaching relationships from a place of lack. And it got me nowhere. In fact, all it did was make me future-trip and not see the guy for who he was and where he was in his journey.

And yet while we grow and transform, the type of people we are attracted to doesn’t change at the same rate. Often, we still desire the same unhealthy connections rather than creating space for bigger and better. 

Healthy chemistry starts with you clearing out your baggage.

So before you go on that first date, set an intention.

  • To be present.
  • To see yourself.
  • To be yourself.

We’ve been taught to see love as something outside ourselves, something that we must attain or achieve. But the truth is that without awareness and connection to ourselves, we will never be able to connect to another person in a healthy way. And that is why self-love is the cornerstone of every relationship. Without it, we are focused on our needs, our lack and the other person’s flaws. When we are filled with self-love, we can give and receive love from a place of wholeness and abundance.

To determine whether your chemistry is healthy and the date is successful, shift the focus away from your partner:

Focus on you. 

Focus on how you’re feeling. 

Release attachment to what a date should look like, the funny things you’ll say or the witty retorts he ought to have. 

Don’t look to him to complete you because you are already complete exactly as you are.

Think you have healthy chemistry? Here’s my challenge to you:

Can you give yourself the love you need before seeking it in the other person?

Can you remain present without focusing on what will or won’t be?

Ultimately, you won’t arrive at your destination any faster by ignoring what’s in front of you. 

You’ll never receive love until you can give it to yourself first. So what do you have to lose?

[image: via Ernesto De Quesada on flickr]

About the Author:

Amita Patel

Amita is the Owner and Founder of Aligned Holistics, a coaching services company founded in January of 2013 to empower individuals to create a life they love from a place of self-love instead of self-discipline. As a coach, writer, and wellness expert, Amita works with individuals to break through their barriers and embrace lifestyle change from the inside-out. Her unique approach combines nutrition, physical activity, relationships, career, and personal philosophy. Amita has been featured on CBS, NBC, and the Huffington Post. She received her Master's Degree from New York University and her Health Coach Certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Continue the Conversation on Facebook and Twitter.


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