Without honesty at the start a relationship, we do the partnership an incredible disservice. Sarah Lou reflects on how empowering authenticity can truly be.
You know how the beginning of a relationship is usually sexy, juicy, and more fun than three years in?
You don’t know each other all that well yet, and you’re putting your charming, easy going, best self forward.
You don’t have any underwear that aren’t lacy thongs, as far as they know—certainly not cotton boy-briefs with period stains. No need yet for difficult conversations about money, or children, or folding said undies.
You flirt, you laugh, you are spontaneous. You’re late for work because you slept over, wearing the same clothes two days in a row. Brushing your teeth with your finger, washing your undies in the sink and drying them under the hand blower.
Life is amazing in those first few months. Everyone around you knows you’re seeing someone because you’re so damn HAPPY—and happiness in relationships is the goal right?
Well what if it’s not the goal to be happy ever after? Because there’s a problem lurking… everyone knows it.
Sooner or later you must get real.
People put out an inauthentic incongruent avatar of themselves at the beginning of relationships—generally to get love, approval, and appreciation. We all do that shit.
It’s totally understandable—it’s scary being transparent, being disagreeable. How can you trust that, if you show yourself to someone, you won’t be rejected??
We’re SO susceptible to rejection. Ever wonder why that is? Culturally, America is really sensitive, fast to offend, be offended, and judge.
I know for me, when I feel most vulnerable to rejection is when I’m trying really hard to please. I’m outside my boundary, trying to predict what my partner wants—because if I can predict, and deliver, and give him what he wants, I will be more appealing as a mate, thus securing my status.
It’s all about safety. Getting safety from them, actually.
Know what that leads to? Codependency.
I need them to love me or I don’t feel safe. Lady loves, that’s a hard road to sexy polarity, empowerment, and autonomy.
Yes, feeling truly safe inside is paramount to lasting intimacy, but is being a chameleon actually safer, than say, discovering what I want? Wouldn’t following my instincts toward that which makes me feel pleased and vitally alive inside be indeed, safer?
There’s a different energetic blueprint in my body when I’m up to pleasing behavior vs. self pleasure. Pleasing another person feels good at first but, inherently, it’s constrictive in my nervous system—makes me edgy, jumpy, fast to react, looking for the rejection I fear will come.
What the Seeker seeks, the Prover proves, says Robert Anton Wilson.
I know how compelling it is for some of us to acquiesce our truth to avoid conflict. I’ve learned the hard way. I mean, I grew up in the upper midwest. But, discovering my own autonomy, embracing negotiation, conflict, and following my own wants, needs, and desires feels… FERTILE. Authentic. Resilient. Vital. Aware of my body and my pussy! Less susceptible to judgement. I feel more myself than ever before.
When you understand what you offer, what your partner offers, and create something beautiful right there, that’s where authentic relating is possible. It’s the profound exploration of permission that is a prerequisite to authenticity.
What might it look like if you were caring for yourself properly? What do you really want in love relationships? What are your values about negotiating for yourself? How do you shy away from conflict and abandon yourself?
Cultural conditioning will sweep you up like a flood if you let it. Most of our ancestors were not perfect, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, the majority of them weren’t even mammals! Don’t try to become the ideal partner or girlfriend; otherwise, you are building a false structure that will collapse. How can you possibly have those difficult conversations down the road if you aren’t honest and real today?
All that matters is that you are experiencing integrity and congruence inside yourself—you know what that feels like. It’s not something you think about. You may have an idea of who you are inside, but do you know how to embody that from your cervix and out?
When you learn to navigate your life in this way—especially at the beginning of a relationship when the foundations are being laid—you can set yourself up for a long-term, loving, sexy, and truthful journey. You’ll actually be able to weather the difficult times, with integrity and grace, because you will not be living lies.