When we come out on the other side of dating a narcissist, our sense of normal can be disrupted in some real ways. Here’s how to date with confidence again.
Along with the myriad of troubling issues you experienced with your last partner were feelings of hopelessness, despair, isolation, and grief. You realize now you involved yourself with someone suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) and, as a result, there’s some regrouping that needs to take place.
Narcissism and mindfulness don’t go together.
They don’t go together because in order to be mindful you have to face the truth in your relationships.
A quick definition of a NPD: a condition in which the individual is never at fault, no matter how conclusive the evidence otherwise. A narcissistic person is a destructive force in the world with its energy focused on breaking down, tearing apart and creating fear and separation rather than building and unifying. In short, it is a disorder or mental illness that causes a lot of pain for both the narcissist and those who love him.
Not the best mix for mindful, graceful living.
Now that you’ve accepted the fact that the person you thought you had been looking for all your life isn’t’ who they say they are, you end it, stay out of contact, delete the photos, and—after some restoration—you prepare to try dating again.
Natural trepidation begins because you created a survival paradigm that included adapting your mindfulness to handle someone with exceptionally corrosive dysfunctional behavior.
Here are three steps to unlearning and re-patterning for a new way to date, connect, and grow.
1. Take inventory.
Do an inventory of your own co-dependency and un-integrated ego issues which had you protecting your ex for your own benefit. Notice the new opportunity and expansive ways to champion yourself and become impeccably respectful and kind with your own self-care.
The Presence Process by Michael Brown is an excellent resource for integrating productive habits and patterns. Under NO circumstances—unless you have to co-parent—let this individual back in to your life. Stay with zero contact.
2. Reorient yourself.
Reorient your subconscious so the emotional triggers that allowed this partner to enter in the first place will become redirected toward a healthy mate. This will help you reject any red-flag behavior as soon as it occurs and will consciously change any limiting programs to create a new, expansive conclusion for your future.
Write these down and say them twice daily to inform your brain of your new direction until you begin to feel your power returning. An example of a new orientation statement is: I am attracting healthy, respectful, emotionally-mature, and aligned partners into my dating life.
Check out the The Liberator Method for more information.
3. Trust again.
Over time, you need to learn to trust and be vulnerable again. Review communication strategies for healthy dialogue so you will be prepared to have a meaningful discussion when natural disagreement and disappoints occur. Examples of productive and positive models are Getting the Love you Want and Compassionate Communication.
These thoughtful inquiries into ourselves will lead to the end of narcissism in our lives, as well as the end of separation, alienation, and hopelessness.
As we are true to ourselves, we know ourselves and we know others. When we know ourselves, we have the ability to see others in ways we have not seen them in the past. The truth is always revealed to those who are open and are willing to see.
About the Author
Kendall Colman is the Founder & CEO of Colman & Company, the highly recognized leadership performance firm based in Denver, Colorado. She is currently is the only endorsed vendor for leadership and organizational development by the Colorado Bankers Association and is an Executive Coach for the Colorado Technology Association.
She is also founder of Center Stage, Executive Presence Speaking Program, and the Safari Woman Project, a leadership program for executive women, and Rainmaker by Noon, a sales coaching program.
Kendall has authored numerous articles on leadership, and is a frequent conference speaker. She also has been involved with someone with NPD.
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