Where are the real men? How do I find a guy who doesn’t spend all day playing Call of Duty? Why does it feel like my boyfriend and I are on different life paths?

 

Those are questions that are on many women’s minds. The men they meet and date feel more like lost boys than empowered men. Here are three reasons why some guys might not be living fully as the powerful men they truly are.

1. They don’t invest in personal growth.

 

Personal growth is a realm populated mainly by women. It is often considered more socially acceptable and natural for women to gravitate toward personal development than it is for men. This is why a large portion of personal growth and spirituality is secretly embedded into sports and business philosophies.

However, the demand for men’s coaching and thought leaders who focus on the men’s issues is increasing. For example, Phil Jackson and the Super Bowl-winning Seattle Seahawks are two sports figures that have successfully incorporated mindfulness, kindness and visualization into their regular practices. 

Men’s most-powerful issues are around sex, relationships, money, purpose, career, friendship, health and more. But men don’t need to wait until they reach a full-blown crisis to ask and look for support and guidance. If you need a place to start, two great books are No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. Or check out more articles on my site.

2. They surf way too much porn.

 

It’s a common belief that all guys surf porn, that it’s normal for guys to watch porn and “take care of business” before they go to sleep each night. But the reality is that just because it’s the norm doesn’t mean it serves us.

This is not a debate on the morality of porn. It’s an invitation for guys to take a step back and look at their habits around porn and masturbation. After you engage in it, how does it affect your mood? How do you view and treat women? How do you perform during actual sex? Do you have any shame around your use of porn?

My experience (and I imagine for many guys reading this) was that I never surfed porn when I was feeling happy. I used porn as an escape mechanism. For example, I would surf porn if I had a bad day at work, or if I just got home from the club and felt incredibly lonely having not received any attention from women. I never consciously chose to surf porn, it was a habit that was stuck on auto-pilot. And the addictive dopamine rush of orgasm just left me wanting more next time.

I encourage men to watch the movie Don Jon. It is a humorous yet surprisingly accurate portrayal of what an addictive Internet porn habit looks like. To kick an addiction to porn, give yourself a 30-day porn-free detox. See what happens with your mood, self-esteem, libido and how you feel around women.

3. They don’t take time to plan their life.

 

I’m guilty of this myself and I see it in my clients. Many men let years go by as if they were clouds passing on the freeway. We bounce around from job to job, waiting for the next layoff or other life circumstance to tugboat us around life. But what would happen if we took a step back and reflected on what really matters to us? What if we took the time to focus on what really lights us up within?

When a man gets in alignment with what he’s truly passionate about and devoted to, he becomes more alive, focused and on fire. It doesn’t matter if he’s achieving his goals. What matters is that he’s taking consistent action toward them.

• If your cubicle job has been squeezing the life out of you, let yourself get frustrated and angry. Use that energy to fuel your search for what you can do to get out of your situation.
• Make Google your friend. Do focused searches for any and all topics you’re consistently fascinated by.
• Visit Barnes & Noble and see what sections of books you naturally gravitate toward.
• Take some time to see what fears and limiting beliefs are getting in the way. Answer the following question: I can’t get the _____ that I want because… Whatever answer follows, is likely some of the underlying beliefs you have about yourself, people, money, your background and life that keep you playing small in life.

How we show up and the results we get in life are always changeable. It just takes some awareness and the desire to make a change. But most importantly, reach out for help. Get support. Live bigger.