Online messaging is an art, not a science. Be clear, not pushy. Kind, but not a wimp. Be a nice guy… but don’t make these nice guy mistakes.
There are countless online dating advice columns giving guys one liners proven to elicit a “reply click” from the modern-day lady…
… holding on to hope that chivalry is, indeed, still alive and kickin’:
“Mention a hobby of hers that you like too…”
“Tell her that you love the red dress in her vacay photo…”
“Don’t be too sarcastic before she is…”
All fine bits of advice, but you already know that stuff.
You know to keep it classy and respectful (cough, cough—nod your head “yes”), so you send friendly and charming messages to come off as such. However, ladies can be confusing individuals, so even though you know that message you’re sending has little-to-no chance of coming off as brash, you may want some more insight on what she’s thinking upon reading it. Once you know this, you’ll determine for yourself which “Mr. Nice Guy” you’ll be in her eyes.
From me? Nah—I’m in the same spot as you, man.
Instead, I turned to the ladies of Wyldfire: gatekeepers of all guys in the singles’ tribe and used to receiving the proven-successful, “nice guy” messages. Based on their responses, I’ve compiled the the types of seemingly harmless message types guys send, and their decoded meanings, all in an effort to keep you on her mind and out of the creep zone.
The Simple: ”Hey… what’s up?”
The sky, the stars… pretty much anything, but this conversation. While short and simple, this quick intro tends to garner an eye roll followed by a deep sigh, knowing darn well you didn’t put much effort into that initial probe.
If you’re a confident lad—go for it! If she checks out your profile and digs it enough, she’ll write back; but she’ll likely still have her guard up wondering if you’re going to go above and beyond for her as a partner.
The Straight to the Point: “I’m not able to get on here at work, but would love to connect. Care if I get your number to text you?”
While she appreciates the gesture, because she might be in the same boat, and your politeness is on point… you’re jumping the gun!
Unfortunately, guys who have preceded you on other online dating sites have set her up for weariness and you have to hold your horses (stallions, we’ll call ’em). She takes this as a sign that you’ll move too fast in person.
The Self-Effacement: “Sorry if if this is cheesy, but I couldn’t help but notice the beach and that sunset (and of course you) is just stunning.”
Flattered and grinning—that’s the most common, initial reaction. She’s thinking that you’ll “get” her, you two would enjoy wine nights together with friends, and you’re probably a sweet guy. Where this could go awry is if she takes this as you being a softy or a pushover.
It works often, because appearing unsure makes the guy seem more vulnerable and less threatening. Be aware not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation or lack of confidence.
The Hobbyist: “Love that you’re into cycling – I did two half century rides last year and am training for another.”
This is the sure-tell indicator that you checked out her profile and took the time to think about a message to show that you have similar interest. A+, man. She appreciates it and will likely be prompted to respond, due to this fact.
On the flip side, while similar interests are typically positive, be cautious. Some ladies put hobbies in their profile, but don’t live and breathe them—they don’t want a partner who intimidates them because they do. Worst result is being taken for a one-upper: “You walked your dog? Cool. I hiked Everest.” That’s awesome, dude. Enjoy the gold stars and her “pass” on a date.
The Long-Winded: “How was your weekend? I went to my first beach bonfire and it was amazing… (proceeds to give a play-by-play of weekend)”
She gets it—you’re busy and fun. Stellar. Her initial thoughts might be a) he likes to talk about himself and b) he might be too busy me with his jam-packed life. It’s great that you have hobbies and friends, but know that it takes a certain kind of woman to find that appealing.
For the type who appreciates this play-by-play, she pictures herself adventuring with you and getting excited at the thought of it. For the type that doesn’t, she’s overwhelmed and doesn’t want to read through the novel you just sent her. Keeping it short, yet interesting, allows less room for error or interpretation.
This is an art, not a science. While ladies may judge the heck out of your one-liner message that you pondered for 20 minutes before hitting send, it comes down to finding the one who appreciates whichever message you send because you’re being you. After all, nice guys may finish last, but they’re crossing the finish line with a great girl on their arm.
This article was originally published with the Good Men Project; republished with permission.
[image: via David Goehring on flickr]
About the Author
Andy White is a lifetime entrepreneur who started his engineering firm Method Development directly out of college. He taught himself how to build homes, completing his first ground-up build before he was 25. Andy has designed and developed projects such as restaurants, clothing and digital properties and in 2014, with co-founder Brian Freeman, started Wyldfire to introduce ladies-focused dating. Wyldfire is the first dating app to position ladies as the gatekeepers of its Tribe of singles. In addition to being co-founder, Andy leads the product development for Wyldfire. Sign up at wyldfireapp.com. For more information, follow Wyldfire on Instagram, like Wildfire on Facebook or tweet @wyldfireapp.
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