in: Dating & Relationships

4 Techniques for Holding Out on Sex ’till You’re Ready

New relationships bring surges of excited emotion—sometimes, too much too fast. Joanne Deck discusses the why and how of slowing things down if you’re not ready to have sex with your partner.


I know we see it from Hollywood frequently—people having sex on the first or second date. If that seems premature to you, that’s good. It’s ideal for singles to postpone being physically intimate with someone until they feel truly ready, and that means getting to know them at a level just not possible after one or two dates.

A sane approach to sex as a single person is to wait until you’re emotionally intimate with someone before becoming physically intimate with them. Emotional intimacy is not quick or easy to achieve, so the wait may feel endless. In our technologically-advanced world, wait times are getting shorter and shorter. 

How do we wait it out successfully?

1. Fun Dating.

This is especially true if your goal is to meet the love of your life, pretty serious stuff. Staying in a high vibration is critical to attracting what you want, so pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you’re not having fun, you aren’t going to be any fun to be around, and people want to have fun when they’re dating.

When you hit a rough spot in your dating life, promise yourself to relax more and let events unfold as they would. If after being somewhere, such as a mixer or party, you find you’re not having a good time, honor your feelings and leave. As you stay true to yourself, you will begin to attract people who have values and interests similar to your own. Dating will be more enjoyable, and you’ll have fun, even if your date isn’t the love of your life.

2. Daily Affirmations & Positive, Present-Tense Statements.

Use these techniques as a method of confirming that you already are what you’d like to be and have what you desire. Statements such as “I am lovable” or “I meet new, fun people easily and frequently” are very effective when stated with conviction and a strong positive feeling.

Should thoughts of doubt or discouragement surface, immediately replace the thoughts you’re holding with a favorite affirmation and state it repeatedly until you feel its veracity. A powerful statement you might want to try is, “I am already deeply connected to the love of my life, and I know my beloved is being drawn to me right now.”

3. Vision Board.

One tool that seekers of all types use to reinforce their affirmations is a vision board, which depicts the result of what they want in life. Making the board is fun, as you locate or create pictures of the places you’ll go with your partner and the activities you two will enjoy together.

It’s your board, so don’t limit yourself. You’ll know a graphic is the right thing to include if it makes you feel good to look at it and imagine yourself in the picture.

4. Outside Help

Many singles find it beneficial to enlist the help of a caring friend or spiritual advisor, someone who supports them in their quest to be in a relationship. When you feel ready to quit, call such a person for a pep talk. Allow yourself to accept the other’s belief in your eventual success. So often, we can hear and believe what others say before we can trust ourselves to know the truth.

For many people, dating is a process. While you may meet your soulmate later today, many often find that their dating experience improves gradually. Over time, the people they meet get closer to being what they are looking for in a partner. Even though their current date may not be the one, they enjoy getting to know the other person and being affectionate with them. The simple physical closeness of holding hands, slow dancing, snuggling on the couch and kissing can be very enjoyable. And it really helps take the edge off when you think you won’t be able to stand it one more minute.

Once you have met someone who may be the one, it’s natural to get closer physically as you’re growing closer emotionally. Take your time with this process. Allow yourself to experience the entire range of sexual expression, savored over time. Be open with your partner about your desire to move slowly. Try not to let the sense of urgency weaken your resolve to wait to be physical intimate until you are emotionally intimate with each other.

As much as we’d like to, we cannot rush through the process. This is one of the most challenging ideas for us today, in this world of instant gratification. Sexual intimacy is worth the wait. As Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote: “When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you until it seems that you cannot hold on for a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time when the tide will turn.”

[image: via Katie Tegtmeyer on flickr]

About the Author:

Joanne Deck

Joanne M. Deck is an author, success coach, and speaker, with expertise in dating, education, and New Thought concepts. She is the author of Sane Sex for Singles , a three-time winning dating guide for the new millennium. As a certified coach, Joanne has supported hundreds of people in changing their lives to look, feel, and be their very best. She has been featured on Lifetime Television’s The Balancing Act and appears frequently on radio interviews and as speaker for singles groups. Joanne is currently working on her next book, Learning to Receive with Grace and Ease, aimed at helping people become more comfortable and skillful receivers. Her observation is that most people have the giving side of the equation down, but struggle with receiving. Learn more about Joanne’s coaching and speaking at Nurture You .


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