Kahshanna Evans differentiates between the red flags, deal breakers and honest mistakes we encounter while dating. Start a new non-fiction chapter.
Perception is a known band-aid for the heart and soul. Used with the intention to ‘feel better,’ we can opt to see just about anything we need to out of any given situation in order to survive. It sometimes keeps us afloat in life’s unfamiliar, unfriendly and unsafe waters.
The trouble with wearing rose tinted glasses during a promising courtship, however, is it can set up a faulty foundation for lasting trust.
Beyond a connection based on deep personal truths that allow love to grow and thrive, conscious relationships are steeped in a shared understanding and respect for the truth. The truth, for many, is based on perception. It can be bowed by philosophy, mood, memory (or lack thereof) or emotional obstacles.
While positive affirmations, mantras and committing to a positive point of view can create magnetism for a collective overly-identified with being ‘nice’ rather than ‘human,’ it may not be so helpful when seeking a level romantic playing field. When two people realize an initial harmless date has lead to a meaningful connection, what they share about who they are, what their interests are and what they value in their life matters a great deal. Setting the tone for the relationship is important.
While mindful daters can be incredibly diverse and have a holistic approach to life, they may often be influenced by a unique viewpoint when it comes to roles that are naturally defined in sacred relationships. Being open to a strong, loving foundation means identifying when the intention to be positive and hopeful leaves disappointment and a gaping hole in a relationship.
Be Keen About Contradictions: “I said that but I didn’t mean that, exactly.”
Early on, hearing “I said that but I didn’t mean that exactly” statements from a romantic interest is something to be aware of. Being imperfect is a part of the divine design that can contribute to our growth. It’s what makes us who we are, unique with flaws and scars. Learning about a loved one’s impulses—to be enchanted by lavish promises of how dreamy life will be with them—can rattle the sense of security.
If a new partner professes things they later retract it may be a good time to get on the same page about how important clear, accurate information is to you. Although this may require patience and forgiveness, it may also help to specify choices made in trust. If a loved one has made promises and challenges if you hear or recall correctly, they may have deeper soul work to do and it’s not yet apparent to them. Remember, if your new mate is hiding something from themselves, be sure you don’t enable them by also hiding from it or pretending that is OK when it isn’t.
Turning the Tables & Facing Fears.
Feeling guilt, frustration and confusion during a lovers quarrel can do more than scratch the subconscious surface—especially when a loved one changes around promises that have defined the relationship. While turning the tables may have worked during early years to relieve the pressure of confronting uncomfortable moments, it has little impact in resolving sweeping statements and promises that were not grounded.
The rule to seeing life through a rosy viewpoint is to ensure loved ones are in on the dream and the reality. Dreaming big doesn’t make a lover vested in a romantic viewpoint about the possibilities “public enemy #1”, but it may make them unrealistic and come across as if they don’t care if the person they say they love was in on the the sub-rosa declarations.
Heart & Soul, Inside & Out
To some, the idea of love seems to promote a heartfelt solution to reconciling woes, loneliness, doubts and fears—all in one big, ongoing burst of inspiration and joy. While most agree it is a healing salve that seems nothing short of a miracle, love alone can’t help us heal problems we have hidden from ourselves and our partner.
Beyond clinging desperately to an unrealistic cloud of optimism in hopes it will help our soul on a transformational level, the inner work and courage it takes to face fears that lie at the core of our being are done from the inside out. Those can be difficult, uncomfortable, upsetting, completely new and sometimes wonderful. Observing a loved one attempting to remedy wounds from the outside in—in hopes of catching the big party or not missing the birthday—often falls short of our expectations and theirs. Differentiating a partner who is invested in growth from someone not yet ready is an invaluable skill, all while making discoveries and developing an exchange that reflects the shared perceptions, ideas and dreams. This isn’t just about love for another person, but also, love for ourselves.
I’m Sorry (& I Mean it)
It’s impossible to meet someone who will never make a mistake or discover choices that impact another on the deepest of levels. It’s important not to feel pressured to be perfect or to make rash decisions. Instead, examining early promises-gone-awry with a willingness to see with heart and mind can help make space for what happens next. It’s important to know there’s no rush.
Time shows if a well-meaning loved one is operating in a way that is healthy for a conscious relationship or not. There is personal, emotional meaning for everyone when love is on the line. Embracing passion can feel rewarding, but rushing the heart during tender moments rarely helps. Post-apology bliss is fertile ground to rebuild and rework new relationship hiccups.
Crisis Turned Camaraderie
It’s okay to say, ‘When you told me that, I believed you.’ For many, pursuing accountability means we are somehow agreeing to leave happiness behind. It can be bittersweet. A provocative, yet gentle, approach can take time to get comfortable with—much less an abrasive blame-fest with casualties. It’s important for lovers to be able to share when trust is shaken and equally as important to be in a receptive space, better understanding what choices lead to flowery promises and frustration. Mutuality and kindness outweigh monetary struggles and is a gift worth its weight in gold; however, that takes time, intention and patience.
Without the safe harbor of irregular perceptions, many would not have the courage to find out more about love, life and relationships. Love’s meaning is as simple or complex as we make it.
It is possible to follow the heart while having a discerning ear during the discovery period of a blossoming relationship. Although love can offer blind forgiveness and optimism that keeps the soul afloat, it is enhanced by a couple’s commitment to nurturing a partnership endowed with trust.
What happens when you realize your special someone may see life through rose-tinted glasses? A conversation, a decision to not go it alone and (hopefully) healing. Maybe even reconciliation and a new chapter that is sweeter and deeper than the one before. As long as well-meaning philosophy isn’t mistaken for grounded truths, nothing is a deal-breaker if we don’t want it to be.
[image via Helga Weber on flickr]