You like this guy. In fact, you are completely taken by him. The only problem is you let your smitten side get the best of you, and you had sex too soon.
You went from zero to sexy in ten seconds. After two dates, you slept with him and now you’re freaking out.
- What does he think of me?
- Can we still start a relationship?
- Am I too loose?
- How do I tell him I want to slow down?
Maybe you really like this guy and you want to explore a relationship with him.
Or perhaps you’ve never had sex too soon and you just got caught up in the moment.
Whatever it is, you’re feeling off about what happened.
So what do you do?
Here are some guidelines on how to navigate yourself and put the budding relationship back on track.
Be kind to yourself.
You are not a slut. People aren’t judging you. Have some compassion for yourself. You did what you did. Hopefully you even enjoyed yourself during the experience. Either way, keep it simple. You simply had sex with a guy you like sooner than you’d prefer, and from that, you realized what you prefer.
Find out what you really want.
You’re allowed to want what you want. You’ve experienced what you don’t want. Now take some time to reflect on what you do want.
Do you want to take all sexual activity off the table? Or keep it at PG makeouts? Do you need to feel more emotionally connected with him first? Maybe you simply need to have the STD and birth control talk so you’re both on the same page. Whatever it is, before you have a conversation, you need to know your thoughts, feelings and decisions on what’s most in alignment with you.
Have the conversation.
This is where kindness and authenticity work best. Ideally, have the conversation in person, but set a context first so you’re not dropping the news right before the trailers at the movie theater. You can say something like “Hey Jake, I want to chat with you about something that’s a bit vulnerable for me to share. Can we talk about it next time we hang out?”
Tell him what you enjoyed (if applicable).
If it’s true, start off with saying what you enjoyed about it. Did you like his presence and eye contact? Were you feeling safe and cared for? Do you find him incredibly sexy? Guys can feel insecure too, and by starting off with what you enjoyed, it helps set a positive tone. It also helps him understand that you’re not blaming him.
Own your role.
Be aware of any type of shaming or blaming. Own your role in the experience and hopefully he does, too. (Assuming that everything was consensual, having sex was a mutual choice by two adults. There is nothing wrong or bad about it.)
Ask him what he heard.
This next one is important. Have him repeat back to you what you said. Say something like “Thank you so much for listening to me. I’m curious to understand what you heard me say.” There are subtle differences in the way men and women talk and listen. By repeating what the other person said, you get a chance to clear up any misunderstanding right there in the moment.
Listen to his experience and desires.
Then give him a chance to openly share his own thoughts and feelings. Maybe he feels the same way as you and wants to dial it back a bit so you can get to know each other better. Or maybe that’s how he prefers to date and doesn’t want to take the time to develop anything serious with you. And if that is the case, that’s great information to have so soon in dating him. Sure, you could have not had sex and hopefully gotten the same information. But if he is not into you as much as you are into him, then get out now. Save yourself the heartbreak and drama. And take the whole experience as an opportunity for you to clarify more precisely how you want your dating and sex life to be.
Create a new shared context.
After you both feel like you’ve expressed yourselves and understand each other, now it’s time to set an agreement for how you want to proceed in getting to know each other. This whole process might seem a bit dry and formal, but the opportunity for you to feel safe and go at a pace that you need will allow you both to enjoy each other a hell of a lot more.
Dating is all about experimentation and fine-tuning our wants and needs. There is no right way to do it. As much as it’s great to know what you want right off the bat, oftentimes life needs to give us a contrasting experience for us to get crystal clear on what we do want.