in: Dating & Relationships

3 Things That Shut Down Intimacy for Men & Women

We often hinder and even shut down intimacy in our relationships without knowing it. Identify who you are at your own sexual core and learn to love deeper.

In a world full of relationship problems and where its said that over 50 percent of marriages end up in divorces, I got curious to find out what makes the few relationships that are amazing…well, amazing.

This journey led me to an event with Tony Robbins called “Date With Destiny.” During this six-day journey, the room was filled with love, soul, and beautiful states.

Each day, Tony shared strategies for mastering our psychology to live a beautiful life. The most popular day was day four: relationship day.

Everyone seemed to upgrade their appearance this day. The women looked extra radiant and the men more present. Excitement was in the air as love and passion were the focus for the day. As Tony explained the importance of the principles for a passionate, loving, and alive relationship, he asked for volunteers…who often ended up experiencing a powerful intervention in front of 3,000 people.

There were a few interventions with couples in the room that were powerful to watch; through watching, we learned what screws up a relationship and how fast one can flip the switch to passion and love.

It was here where I viscerally learned the importance of intimacy, as well as the three things that shut down intimacy for men and women. After all, the only difference between an intimate relationship and a friendship is intimacy.

For all my brothers out there, have you ever felt frustrated when your partner criticizes you? Or how when your partner closes up? Or even worse, how about when you feel like your partner is trying to control you?

It just turns you off, right?

And for all the women reading, how do you feel when your partner makes you feel unseen? Or how about when you feel like you’re not understood by your partner? Or even worse, how about when you feel unsafe, like you can’t trust your partner?

By the way, I say “man” and “woman” in the sense of masculine and feminine. The same applies for gay and lesbian relationships, as one partner tends to be more masculine and the other more feminine.

Ultimately we are both; and you’ll often ‘just know’ what your sexual core is predominately. Though there are exceptions; at the event, there were women who truly thought their core was masculine because they were so successful and goal-oriented. When it came to them experiencing who they are when life is most rich…they had quite the “awakening.” The same went for some men who thought they were predominately feminine because they grew up with women and lacked a father figure, and as soon as they connected to their essence…they felt it like the roar of a lion.

The reason I bring this up is sometimes people may think their core is their conditioning. What I’ve noticed in today’s world is there’s often a mismatch between who people think they are and who they really are at their core. Movies like The Hunger Games show this; when Katniss (feminine at her core) plays the role as the masculine hero and Peta (masculine at his core) has no idea what he’s doing, where he’s going, and can’t take a stand for himself. When the two find themselves alone in a cave trying to survive, Katniss opens up to show emotions of fear and vulnerability, while Peta takes her into his arms to offer safety.

If you’re still not sure about what your core is, here are a few characteristics of masculine and feminine energies:

  • The masculine shows strong physical presence, centeredness, and a feeling of unwavering purpose and strength.
  • The feminine shows openness, free flowing and a fullness of life energy.
  • The masculine wants freedom, is stimulated by challenge and makes big things small.
  • The feminine wants love and attention, is stimulated by praise and makes small things big.

Be honest with yourself, if you’re masculine at your core, have you ever made your female counterpart feel unseen? If so, here’s what to do: give her attention, that’s really what she wants.

If you’ve ever made your partner feel like she’s not being understood, give her real presence that’s what she craves.

If you’ve ever made your partner feel unsafe, give her reassurance…that’s what she needs.

And, if you’re feminine at your core, have you ever criticized your male counterpart? Admire and appreciate him instead; that’ll melt him.

If you’ve ever closed up on your partner, shutting down your feminine radiance, make the flip to being your naturally open and playful self.

And lastly, if you’ve ever tried to control your partner, respect him by giving him the freedom and love he deserves—the masculine craves freedom just as the feminine craves filling up.

When we know our core nature and understand that of our partners, we can enjoy and grow our relationship with greater harmony. On top of that, when we can own our sexual essence, we can dance together with the passion of polarity…because polarity is ultimately what makes us feel attracted to one another.

When relationships lack polarity, there’s no passion. Even in same-sex relationships, there must be one person who’s more masculine and the other who’s more feminine, otherwise passion will suffer. So now that you know what triggers your partner to shut down and how to light them up, focus more on giving what they need and you’ll enjoy a passionate, loving, and thriving relationship!

About the Author


Adam SiddiqAdam Siddiq is the host of The Soulfully Optimized Life podcast, a recent top new and noteworthy hit, and a Peak Performance Leader for Millennial leaders, CEOs and change makers on a mission to create epic changes in the world. Adam is also the Founder of The Age Of Epic, a platform that promotes stories and strategies for people to claim and live their epic hero’s journey. Follow Adam on Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook.

About the Author:

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