Healthy gardens and bank accounts need the same thing—spring cleaning. Tracee Dunblazier tells us how the same principles work for healthy relationships.
Yes, this is the most beloved season of the year, tax time. You know when you go through every receipt from the previous year and re-hash every dollar you spent and who you spent it on or with. Maybe you’ll suffer a little buyer’s remorse. Or, maybe you’ll become inspired about the changes you want to make in spending this year. We easily tend our bank accounts but often overlook how much energy we spend on our relationships—taking inventories and reckoning the receivables with the bottom line, but not ever really balancing the account.
I believe that the meaning of eternal life is that it is our human and spiritual birthright to transmute and transform anything that causes imbalance in us; to completely heal on all levels.
One of the most impactful downfalls of any relationship is the (sometimes daily) disregards that we receive from our partners or the ways we may be subtly neglecting them. The way your friend spoke to you when she was disgusted with something else, or when your lover made a joke and didn’t notice that it wasn’t funny to you and slightly hurtful, or maybe your boss, in their stressful day, spoke sharply to you. Any one of these seemingly harmless gaffs, over time, add up to frustration, resentment and unexpressed grief. Which leads to distrust, bitterness and withdrawing of affection (I could go on and on with this list). Every relationship we have needs loving maintenance; including, friends, lovers, colleagues, and of course, ourselves. How frequently depends on the current condition of the relationship.
Let me solve the mystery on exactly how you do this and, let me warn you, it’s going to take a little work at the beginning. When you scrub quarterly, clean monthly and polish daily your connections, there will always be plenty of love, affection and understanding to go around (and even some in reserve, should things get really tough).
This is what happens to our natural psychic and telepathic connections in the partnership when we overlook a loved one’s well-meaning gaff. We “shut-down” the subtle frequency of feeling and perception (i.e.; presence, love, affection, esteem, confidence, vision) and re-route it to a denser frequency (i.e.; emotion, hurt, sadness, depression, apathy, criticism) where it takes the build-up of disrespect to cause a reaction. Believe me, when that reaction finally comes, it’s going to be a doozy.
The good news is our human design is so brilliant it lets us know if we have unresolved experiences. When you are still in the subtle frequency zone, as a new gaff comes, you naturally remember all of the others. You may obsess on them for a while and then make the executive overriding decision (i.e., “so and so has had such a hard day, I won’t say anything.”) to not acknowledge it at all. When you do that, it creates an energetic/emotional build up that inevitably will come out when under enough pressure. Depending on your level of maturity, emotional intelligence and compassion, you may just give out the emotional beat down of the century.
This is What You Do
Always have a pen and paper handy. The next time a gaff comes, write down all the memories that come with it. Believe it or not, it will only take a few minutes, so you should be able to fit it nicely, into your work day. In columns, write down the name of the person and the gaff. Then, at a later time, sit down, take three deep breaths and go over the list. Decide if the relationship warrants having a honest conversation that begins with, “When you said…I felt…”. If for any reason it does not, then you really don’t care to have that person in your life in a meaningful way, and if that’s the case be willing to be honest with that person. It is your responsibility to be kind, loving and compassionate with yourself first…the Universe will follow.
The clean-up is the consistent self-reflection of what you said and did, and how and who it impacted. Taking your own inventory about your thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviors. Every time you reflect on them, strategize on what you can do and say next time to include everyone. Remember, having compassion for them in addition to yourself is the goal. There will begin to be a cultivation of your own self-trust.
The more you trust yourself and your own integrity the more you will be able to accurately discern those who you can deeply trust. Again, I will reiterate here, you will find that not every relationship will end up staying in their current position in your Universe. Some people we can deeply trust and some people we deeply know better than to trust. Either way, what’s most important is our self-honesty.
This is What You Do
This is a great exercise to get in the habit of doing every Monday or Sunday. Sit down, take three deep breaths and grab a pen and paper. Begin to bring up in your mind any interactions with others during the week. Focus specifically on the relationships that come to mind. See clearly, what you said and did and then notice the impact of it on your loved one.
Our spirit takes in and remembers everything. If you give it space it will rise to the surface for full viewing. If you find some things that you’d like to acknowledge or apologize for, then do it. If you find you said or did something that was honest but was hurtful to receive, then a nice little note or a little gift saying, “Hey, I know it was hard for you to hear my feelings so I really wanted to thank you for listening, you mean a lot to me.”
The polish is definitely the fun part, but equal (if not more) work than the others. Polishing your relationships is giving; kudos, acknowledgement and your full presence in small ways daily. The truth is, it doesn’t take a lot of time to think about what you like in a loved one and tell them. Most often, however, folks get caught up in indulging their thought and emotional energy in focusing on what somebody said or didn’t say at the office; maybe regarding a relationship that really doesn’t even have the value to them as the one they have with you. That dynamic happens when a person doesn’t really know or is dissatisfied with themselves. Our relationships, in the process of getting to know and understand ourselves, will often be mirrors of our un-noticed or unexpressed feelings.
This is What You Do
At the same time every day, take five minutes to think about five of your most important and valued relationships. Consider the people you spend the most time with. Maybe you spend more time with your boss than you do with your partner, and while they don’t necessarily have the same “value” to you, because of the significant amount of time you spend, they deserve reflection and acknowledgement.
Write down the name of the person and five things you like about them. Then figure out a way to impart that message as often in the week as possible, via; a word, a note, a text, an email. Or, write it on the dirty windshield of their car. Better yet, if you really love them, get their car washed for them.
Most of all, know that taking care of the people who have the most value in your life is truly, taking care of yourself in the purest form. Loving another and seizing the privilege of expressing it is the artistry of a true master.
[image: via mrhayata on Flickr]