Trauma can reshape our love lives in dramatic ways, but there’s hope in the pain. Uncover your own “missing link” and watch the transformation unfold.
I wake up from a dream. In it, my boyfriend, Evan, had cheated on me with a female basketball player on the Women’s Lakers Basketball Team (a team which only exists in my dream world).
I turn toward my boyfriend and ask, “Did you cheat on me?” He pauses, and says, “Yes.”
I punch him in the stomach.
My entire world shattered. At that moment, the relationship I was safe and secure in for six years was no longer the loving, safe, and cozy place it had once been. It felt like the entire rug of my life had been pulled out from underneath me and I didn’t know what was going to happen next.
At the time, I was 25 years old, thrust into the world of singledom. Little did I know, the way that relationship ended would deeply determine my decisions about men for the next 10 years.
You see, for the next 10 years, I went down the path of choosing one unavailable parter after another. My current love interest was always unavailable in some way. Either he didn’t really want a relationship and just wanted to “hang out,” he didn’t want children and I did, or he wasn’t emotionally available. There was always something that created an impossible future for us—and I chose it, over and over, again.
It took me years to unravel my pattern of being attracted to and choosing unavailable men. I couldn’t heal and shift this pattern until I found my missing link.
I eventually realized the biggest reason I was choosing these men was because an “unavailable man” occurred as far less dangerous to my psyche than a loving, available, safe man… like Evan.
My subconscious believed that safe men could turn on me for any reason, like Evan did when he cheated. It was a much safer bet to choose men who felt unsafe in some way—then, at least, I knew what I was getting into. It wouldn’t be a big surprise when they did something untrustworthy or out of integrity.
This is how the beliefs that get created during traumatic events can undermine your life.
When I finally shined a light on my trauma and became conscious of it, I could see how it was negatively impacting my choice in men. From that point on, I was able to choose men who were in alignment with what I said I wanted, “a stable and secure man and partnership.”
So I’d like to ask you, what is your missing link?
What wound could be determining your choices with partners?
What wound might have set you on a path that is trying to protect you from the exact thing that you fear, and is actually sabotaging your relationship goals?
Here are three ways to uncover your missing link and reinvent the kind of love that’s possible for you:
#1 – Map Your History
Write a timeline of all the major events in your life, from birth to the present day. Circle the events that correlate to the loss of a loved one or a serious betrayal. For example, your missing link could be a close relative dying and unhealed grief that is protecting your heart, or a relationship ending in such a severe way, it feels like you wouldn’t survive if you loved that deeply again.
#2 – Get Support
Once you figure out what your missing link is, I highly recommend working with a coach or a therapist to help you heal that wound and deeply understand how it might be affecting your choices. One of the most profound truths I know is this, “what is broken in relationship, must be healed in relationship.” By working with a trusted and trained guide you will heal and begin to create a new destiny for yourself in love.
#3 – Rewrite your beliefs.
Write down all your beliefs that correlate to your missing link, for example, “Because ___ cheated on me, I can never trust a partner again.” Or “It’s not safe to love as deeply again.” Then write down the exact opposite of that belief. For example, “There are trustworthy people out there,” or “It’s safe to love deeply.”
Whatever the wound is, it’s important to look at it and heal it completely.
As Carl Jung says, “What is unconscious becomes our fate.” By facing this wound and looking at it, you will begin to unravel what drives a lot of your decisions in love.
Your missing link could actually become your greatest teacher and healer.
When we face our wounds and heal them at their core, we become stronger, more resilient, and more powerful.
When we find this missing link and bring it into our conscious awareness so it can be healed, we become available to a new kind of love that wasn’t possible before.
As I’m writing this, I’m about to take the next step and start a family with my available, trustworthy, and loving partner who I learned was safe to chose and love. This is because I did the work to uncover what was driving my pattern of attracting and choosing unavailable men—my missing link. When you uncover your missing link, you can create a love life that fulfills you and inspires you, too.
About the Author
Maya Diamond, MA – Dating and Relationship Coach: I am a Dating and Relationship expert, and I have spent thousands of hours unraveling my client’s deepest wounds so they can emerge brighter, happier, and find the loving relationship they seek. If you’re serious about unraveling your missing link, and want help doing so, you can apply for a complimentary Love Breakthrough Session with a member of my team at: empowerlove.us/apply.