in: Dating & Relationships

The One Thing Women Can Change for Deeper Intimacy

Deeper intimacy is within your power, Ladies and Gents. A little courage and a whole lot of self-awareness is all that separates you from bedroom bliss.

—See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World

I know I’m going to take major flak for this piece because generalizations are generally, well… a bitch. In this case, however, I have science to back me up on how most women consistently do one thing that severely limits possibilities in the bedroom. If they only stopped this behavior it would open both partners to intimate experiences almost beyond imagining.

The good news: every single woman on the planet is capable of making this change because all it takes is a little courage…

Come on Ladies, tell us what you really want.

It’s practically cliché to say that many women fake having an orgasm. That in itself points to being less than honest when it comes to intimate matters. However, it gets even more interesting than that. According to one British university research study, approximately 87 percent of all women “moan” or vocalize during intercourse to: a) boost their man’s self-image as a lover, and b) speed things up (i.e. “Let’s get it over with already.”)

Just think about the implications of these statistics for a moment, even if it means giving yourself a short reprieve from saying over and over in your head “Bullshit, that’s not my situation!” The way I read these numbers is that the actual experience women have during sex and what their partner perceives as their experience are very different for this 87 percent majority. Essentially, when any woman does this they are being, putting it politely, inauthentic —period. This raises the question, of course, why.

“Don’t Leave Me!”

As a fully impotent, extraordinary intimacy expert, I get interviewed quite frequently. During one radio show with a 30-something female host, (who also happened to be a relationship coach), the focus was on what women really want in terms of physical intimacy. As the discussion progressed, the host described her new relationship that allowed her to actually have an orgasm with a man for the first time in years.

In the way she described their experience, however, it became clear to me that he, perhaps, could be doing some things a little differently for even greater intimate results. So, on a hunch, I turned the interview around 180 degrees and asked her what would happen if she was totally honest with him about what he could do different during sex to please her even more.

Initially she became flustered and hesitated for a second before she answered. Then she said: “Oh my God, my mind went right back to the cave where I felt he would get angry and leave me and the kids to fend for ourselves.” Being childless, she was of course speaking metaphorically. However, I think her response hits the issue of inauthenticity in the bedroom square on the head: fear of abandonment. By not being authentic, women not only sabotage the potential for incredible, nearly-unlimited emotional and physical intimacy, but also set the stage for the very thing they fear most.

Fortunately, there is a way out of this conundrum that is very easy to implement.

It’s All in the Positioning

First of all, let’s explore three fundamental principles about most men that will form the foundation for the process that will transform both of your intimate experiences forever:

  1. Men aren’t mind readers – never, ever assume your partner can read your mind, no matter how much he loves you. To do otherwise only invites major drama and frustration in and out of the bedroom.
  2. Men love variety in the bedroom – this is not a bad thing, it’s just up to you on how you steer it so it works for both of you.
  3. The greatest sexual fulfillment for a man is pleasing his partner like no other – this assumes, of course, that your partner is not a sort of sociopathic narcissist. I have found for myself and most other men I’ve spoken to, the ability to provide our mate an incredible intimate experience is its own reward. And one that is far greater than just “getting off.” But for this to happen, you need to TELL HIM* what works for you sexually speaking.

*NOTE TO MEN: be sure to listen and follow what she says—trust me, you will never regret doing so.

With these in mind, let’s get down to brass tacks on how to inform your Adonis on just how you want to be pleased in the bedroom (assuming you know yourself).

Let’s face it, if you tell your man Ah Honey, what you’re doing just doesn’t work for me, try this instead…” you will trash his ego and likely cause a major rift in your relationship.

Now, consider positioning it this way (feel free to use your own words):

“Sweetie, I so love our lovemaking… and I was just thinking. How would you like to explore other ways that may take our experience to even greater levels?” (It helps if you say this with your most seductive coy look, by the way.)

I think I can safely speak for most men that if our partner said this to us we would practically be drooling to find out more for the possibility of that promised heightened intimate experience.

Coaching vs. Telling

At this point, you are in the position of being his coach, intimately speaking. And this is where you don’t want to hold anything back. Remember to always reward him with authentic feedback when he does it right, and gently redirect when he doesn’t. By approaching authenticity in the bedroom this way, you are effectively helping him to create a “space” where you can fully blossom sensually. And this will have the effect of driving him (and you) absolutely wild, likely beyond anything either of you have experienced before. I truly believe that women have virtually unlimited sexual capacity if her partner creates the appropriate space for her.

How do I know? Because this has consistently been my partner’s and my experience since she has no qualms whatsoever in coaching me in what works for her. Even after being together nearly three years we are still pushing the boundaries of what’s possible, intimately speaking. It has also been the experience of couples I have taught as well.

Woman, Know Thyself

There is one important caveat here. All of the above assumes that the female partner is fully knowledgeable of, in tune, and comfortable with her own sexuality. Unfortunately, many women are not due to childhood experiences, religious and cultural influence. If you are not totally and uninhibitedly comfortable with the full expression of your sexuality, I suggest seeking some appropriate professional women’s sexuality therapy or training. You simply cannot tell your partner what works best for you if you don’t know yourself.

Relationships fail for lots of reasons, though primarily over money and sex. It is well-documented that women’s expression of intimacy changes as they age. And unless you have developed a habit of absolute authenticity surrounding your intimate life, your man will not be prepared to change with you.

It is so ironic that we live in a culture where sex is everywhere yet the vast majority of couples have less-than fulfilling intimate experiences, especially as they mature. The road to changing this starts with absolute authenticity on the woman’s part. And trust me, once you start down that path you will never, ever, look back.


This article was originally published with the Good Men Project; republished with the author’s full (and kindest) permission. 

About the Author:

Michael Russer

Michael J. Russer is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working "correctly." His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels. He is an international speaker, author and thought leader on the issues of human connection and intimacy. He also speaks pro-bono to Cancer Support Centers and Gilda’s Clubs around the U.S. for cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer. Go to to explore the possibility of having Michael speak at your next event.Michael is also a champion of the nonprofit men's work being done by the ManKind Project. He completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2012. To learn more about Michael's work you can visit his website, tune in to his podcast, or watch his TEDx Talk.


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