in: Dating & Relationships

Yes! Yes! Yes! 5 Ways to Be More Sex Positive

Krystal Baugher

A positive attitude does not have to be limited to affirmations and visualizations. Krystal Baugher takes us between the sheets to show us how to become more sex positive.


There’s a rumor spreading around town that the best way to live life is to live it with a positive mentality, and that is just as true when it comes to sexuality.

Many of us grew up surrounded by puritanical ideas about sex: that sex was bad, naughty, and above all, shameful. We live in a complex society where sexuality is used as a commodity, it reels people in, usually to buy a product or watch a television show (and then buy a product); but then, when people actually express it in reality they are made to feel guilty for liking it.

What is Sex Positive?

Being sex-positive means being honest, open and accepting of all people’s consensual sexual lifestyles. It means striping away the concept that one kind of sex practice is “better” than another. It means building a community of people who respect each other and are thoughtful and considerate in the environment as a whole. 

It’s difficult for many of us to “unlearn” the negative conations attached to sexuality, but it’s vital for healthy growth and development to work on overcoming the bad. 

Here are 5 Ways to Become More Sex Positive. 

1. Educate Thy Self

Just because someone wants to be more sex positive doesn’t mean it’s going to magically start happening. It’s important to take the time to learn about all the isms (racism, feminism, capitalism, ableism, ageism, etc.) and systems of control (government, military, education, etc), in order to better develop critical thinking skills and thus be able to decipher the environment around us.

Why do we need to do that? Because it helps to figure out our own truths instead of relying on other people to tell us how to think and feel. 

(Some suggested authors: Gayle Rubin, Gloria Anzaldua, Michele Foucault, Judith Butler (good luck), Riki Wilchins, bell hooks, Jessica Valenti, etc.)     

2. Reflect

Many of us have been taught that sexuality is supposed to look one particular way. Well, F that. Instead of relying on the media or porn or what your best friend likes to do, take the time to really think about what turns you on. Write it down. Dig into your own mind, what rocks your world, how do you feel emotionally and spiritually about your desires? How is your sex life impacting the other areas of your life? 

3. Communicate

The number one element of sex positive behavior is consent. Some even go so far as to express it as enthusiastic consent, so that everyone involves really, truly, deeply wants to be there and be in it (whatever “it” is). Consent comes from the same background as open communication, which means being able to discuss our wants and desires and needs with people we are consensually sexy with. 

4. Accept 

One thing that definitely takes awhile to adjust to is the idea that just because it doesn’t turn you on doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s easy to snarl our noses up at certain “strange” kinks or fetishes because they seem “so weird,” but that’s not up to us to judge. 

Whether it’s a diaper fetish, banging in the mud, missionary position every.single.time, sadomasochism, hetero, homo, pansexual, with 15 people, alone, not at all, under the moon, on the moon, covered in hot wax, wrapped in latex, dressed up as Barney, at a parade, with whips and chains, etc. as long as it’s consensual, it’s really of no concern what other people are into; what’s odd to one is hot to another.    

5. Mindfully Love 

There is no need to conform to other people’s ideals of what sexuality should be. Being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to fool around with a bunch of randoms, or become polyamorous or make a porno. It’s understanding that intimacy is complex. Sex often brings up emotional, physical and spiritual intensities and it’s okay to just “be” with those feelings. It’s not only about accepting other people’s choices but embracing our own.  

So being smart, respectful, and accepting in love and intimacy—and maybe even a bit of kink—is a fabulous path to head down on the journey to becoming more sex positive (thus becoming more positive altogether) and in turn, leading a more fulfilling mindful life. 

[image: via Jean KOULEV on flickr]

 

About the Author:

Krystal Baugher Krystal Baugher

Krystal Baugherlives in Denver, Colorado. She is the founder of Go Eat a Carrot, a website dedicated to exploring the worlds of pleasure and politics. Find her on Instagram to stay up to date with all of her shenanigans.

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