Your desired relationship is closer than you think. How do we get there? Do a little soul-searching, obstacle clearing, and vision setting.

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When we think about developing our vision for a relationship, many of us get nervous about the idea of deep engagement—and the vulnerability that comes with it—because you cannot lean into a vision that is important to you and strive to manifest it without also feeling the potential for failure and disappointment. In order to succeed, it’s important to cultivate the courage to allow yourself to go for it, in spite of the risks.

Protecting yourself against failure and heartbreak may be a safe approach, but it limits your availability. It is also impossible to get the deeply enriching and fulfilling relationship you want if you have no idea what that really looks like to fill your needs, because they go together. We cannot selectively choose the feelings we want to experience and the ones we don’t. We need to embrace the entire spectrum—both the highs and the lows.

When we attempt to limit the lows because of past hurts and disappointments, we automatically put a damper on the highs at the same time. But when we allow ourselves to embrace the entire experience—high, low, and in between—we can then begin to cultivate the courage required for a soul-fulfilling relationship with a deeply shared purpose.

Clearing Obstacles

In order to get clear so we can create this relationship vision and step into it, we first need to clear some obstacles out of the way. Obstacles to our relationship vision are varied, and they can come from our mindset, feelings, and beliefs. They are often based on past experiences, but they can also be about not wanting to take full responsibility. Some of the objections I hear from my clients are, “if I had a clear vision, it would require me to change and I’m not sure I really want to change.” Or “I know what my personal vision is, but I don’t believe that I can have that or that the guy required exists.”

It is useful to become aware of your objections, and examine their validity. Sometimes what we believe and feel about something turns out to be old. When we stop to really examine it, we realize it’s outdated, and we need to reevaluate what we feel and believe based on our current outlook.

My Own Vision 

I am clear that doing this work, Relationship On Your Terms, is a part of my vision. The “ingredients” in doing this work, aside from working directly with clients, requires me to “walk my talk,” and that means I have to continually deepen my own relationship to Self, Source, and Service to be an example. Outside of the client work I do, I also do ‘my pleasure practice’ regularly because it connects me to my desire. I exercise physically with different forms of exercise that connects me deeply in my body. I also use meditation to still my mind so I can “hear” the guidance from Source that is coming through. I don’t do these things because I’m a good girl or feel obligated, but simply because I believe in filling my cup regularly so I have a resource to give from. When I can, I try to spend time connecting with my Source in nature and through creative writing.

I’ve had several different relationships over the years, and each one has had elements of my current vision. As I have progressed, I have been able to add more elements with each next step. Mind you, this is rarely a linear process, but often a two-steps-forward followed by a one-step-back kind of thing. It’s been my experience, and I have observed this in countless clients, that as we grow our skills to stay connected to our Self and cultivate the courage to really be who we are, we begin to be and live as our half of our relationship vision; to be the woman who can be of service in a relationship and hold her own and have her needs met, all at the same time.

Another obstacle I hear from clients is: “I have an idea about my relationship vision, but right now I have other priorities—career and possibly children—that keep me from acting on it at this time.” My point in sharing these different obstacles is to illustrate that we all have some version of them—work or other obligations—that will continue to get in our way until we decide our dream and vision for a soulmate relationship matters, and we commit to taking action on it.

I recommend crafting a short paragraph about what you enjoy doing in a relationship, what kind of activities are involved. What is it that you often make happen when you’re with a partner (when you’re not even trying)? What is it that you contribute at those times (if you’re not sure, ask one of your exes).

Creating and manifesting a relationship vision can be done in small steps over time or in one giant leap, whichever is right for you. You may find that your vision right now has to do with one set of priorities. For example, creating a family transforms over time. This could mean if you’re divorced with a couple of kids already, your vision will probably differ from the vision you had before you got together with your children’s father. We all benefit from clearing out the obstacles and our old ideas about relationships, and then developing a current relationship vision that is reflective of our current circumstances, talents, temperament, and deep needs.

What’s Your Vision? 

What you can do right now is get out a piece of paper and answer these questions without a lot of thinking; try to just write what comes to mind:

1. What are your deeper desires from a relationship?
2. What are you bringing to the party? 
3. What inspires you in a partner?

At this stage, it doesn’t matter if your vision doesn’t make all that much sense, because you’re not writing your online dating profile. You’re just taking the first steps in articulating your desires and your relationship vision, and it’s only supposed to inspire and be meaningful to you. You are creating a solid foundation for dating and a relationship, one step at a time.