in: Wellness

The 3 Little Words That Sabotage a Woman’s Radiance

How can three little words be oh-so destructive? More importantly, how can we ditch the limiting language, stop the self-sabotage, and own our truths?


The beauty destroyer is in the form of three little words, so common, so easy to blurt out, and lethal to a woman’s true attraction, grace, and radiance. 

They are…

I. Don’t. Know.  

Consider for yourself, when you are on a date and are asked your opinion or when you need to make a decision, how often do you say “I don’t know?

These words are like a “roofie” in your soul cocktail. You sip it up and then in no time, say BUB-BYE to your beautiful, natural brilliance. 

Of course, if your Uncle Ralph asks you some obscure Jeopardy question, instructions on how to do brain surgery, or how many toothpicks it would take to build a squirrel rescue center, you actually might not know the answer. Touché.

But, on the other hand, when asked personal questions,

  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hmm. I don’t know.
  • What do you want in a relationship? I don’t really know.
  • Do you want Marinara or Alfredo? I don’t know. Either is fine.

Easy, isn’t it? I have said it plenty of times with these kinds of questions and, admittedly, it feels lazy and apathetic.  

I recall my 30s, swooning over a hunky guys where I freely sputtered “I don’t know.” I used this in conversations out of insecurity and fear that I wouldn’t be liked. Scared that there is a “right” answer; scared it’s safer to dodge the question with a neutral “I don’t know” than to risk saying something unattractive. As if with one bad word there is a *POOF* and my dreamy guy disappears, leaving me heartbroken and all alone.

In my effort to be accepted, I still saw the smoky remains of the *POOF* and felt unlovable and alone.    

In the world, it may actually look like we are being deserted by others, but the real tragedy is when we doubt our own answers we are betraying and abandoning ourselves. So if you fear being abandoned, your first step is to NOT abandon yourself, but to learn to trust yourself.

Even if you think you don’t know what to do, there is a part of you that knows what is true for you right now, and that is the right answer!

Be patient, sometimes it takes a moment to hear it, maybe even longer. That is okay. I notice when I forget I have this power within me and default to “I don’t know,” it leads to fearfully scrambling outside of me to “figure it out”—googling incessantly, calling out to Facebook, pulling Tarot cards over and over, or diving into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s with each spoonful crying, “Ben! Jerry! Help a girl out!”

It doesn’t work.

Defaulting to “I don’t know” is a habit worth breaking, because we are all biologically equipped with an inner teacher who wants to have a relationship with us! In fact, your inner teacher is the REAL you and has all the answers. When you deny your inner teacher and say “I don’t know” it’s like you are telling yourself, “I don’t trust you.” “I don’t value you what you have to offer.” Or, “No one will like you.”

It is like you kicked your own damn self to the curb—it’s mean and cruel. 

Yogi Bhajan said, “Go inside and listen to your inner voice. Every question has an answer. Your soul is full of wisdom and knows the way.”

When we live in the belief that we don’t know the way, it’s impossible not to feel fear, confusion, and self-doubt. We don’t know what kind of job we want, we don’t know if we should stay in our relationship, we don’t know if we should go on a second date, we don’t know what we should put in our bodies—and then we feel awful in our bodies.

If you are wracking your brain and struggling to find answers in life, there may be something you are not hearing inside. 

In the Kundalini Yoga practice we learn that, as women, our intuition is 16 times more powerful than men. We have a huge advantage in the “knowingness” business. Ka-ching! Women have a bigger intuition bank—that is worth celebrating.

But the reverse is also true, when we abandon ourselves by not listening to our heart and soul, ignoring our inner wisdom, worrying about what others think, we are 16 times more insecure! This deficit will speak loud and clear, leaking into your world, bringing pain and anxiety to every interaction. You may think people don’t like you, you aren’t good enough, or that everyone is out to get you, leaving you void of radiance and personal power.

The good news is you can avoid this kind of suffering just by choosing to come back to the wisdom within you.   

Here are seven tips to increase your radiance and beauty and connect to your inner teacher.   

1.Replace “I don’t know.”

Words can elevate or they can create suffering. It is in your power to speak words that elevate you, bring more self-compassion, and support your magnificence. Instead of saying “I don’t know,” find words that allow you to access your knowing. 

Do this experiment:

  • Say it out loud: I. Don’t. Know. Just feel how the words land on your being. It kind of stinks, doesn’t it? To me, it feels like I hit a brick wall and there’s nowhere to go.
  • Now imagine being asked your opinion on something and responding: Let me think about this; I am going to consider this; What I am noticing is; or, just PAUSE and be quiet. 
  • What does that feel like? Notice how using different words opens up space for you to show up and stay connected with yourself. By taking this time to connect to yourself and share from your heart, you will create a more authentic connection with others. 

2. Use mantra. 

Mantra is the practice of repeating inspiring or sacred words, which helps to elevate our being. Words are so powerful. When you speak, they vibrate, you feel them when they are spoken to you. When you hear them in your head, they influence your actions. When you chant over and over as a mantra, they rewire your being down to each little cell. 

Yogi Bhajan shared, “It’s the cosmic law of love that you know the Unknown and the Unknown knows you.” 

Practice repeating this mantra, “I know the unknown is known to me.” How does it feel? When I say, I know the unknown is known to me, it reminds me that I DO have the wisdom already. The more you repeat it, the more it begins to automatically repeat in your mind—increasing your frequency, shifting your consciousness, and helping you manifest this powerful message in your life experience.

3. Learn your yeses and nos. 

Practice flexing your “knowing” muscle. An easy exercise is just noticing what your yeses and your nos feel like in the world. 

The simplest place to do this is in the grocery store. Walk through the produce aisle. It will vary, too—you may be a “yes” to avocado on Tuesday and a “no” on Friday. The key is to pay attention to how it feels in your body to experience a YES and experience a NO. This will give you sensory data so you have a measure for getting answers in life and in love.

4. Meet your inner teacher.

Imagine the part of you that always knows. Invite her to show up in your mind. This is the smarty pants part of you connected with your highest good. Observe her. What does she look like? What is her name? Nurture this relationship within you and consult with her when you’re seeking new insight. What does she want you to know right now? Go ahead, have a conversation with her and find out.

5. Relax and allow silence. 

A woman is automatically intuitive when she is relaxed. Take a hot bath, a gentle stroll, create the space so you can relax, meditate, and allow the wisdom to come forward. Then, trust what you hear when you listen.

6. Just be YOU. 

Give yourself the gift of being YOU. Choosing to accept yourself and celebrate who you are is essential for the wisdom to come through. In order to hear your inner voice, you have to welcome it with loving kindness. “Creation is ready to serve you if you just be you” –Yogi Bhajan.

7. Play and pretend. 

When you feel really stuck, play a little game with yourself. Start by getting curious, wiggle your body, make funny lip noises, get silly… then ask yourself “If I was someone who knew, what would the answer be?” This practice is not a joke—it is fun and totally valuable because it naturally dissolves the blocks that can come from trying too hard. Let go, play, and pretend your way into new insights and wisdom—all of which are true because they are from magical you.   

Now you have the tools. Now you can have faith that you can access all the answers within you and confidently know. Your knowingness is your true beauty. It is your grace. It is your presence. It brings confidence and comfort because you are choosing to be on your own team, rather than not showing up for the game. 

Imagine this… you walk into a room full of people and all eyes turn to you, each one thinking “Wow, look at that graceful, radiant woman. Who is she?! What is her secret?” You notice this and you smile, and with every fiber of your being, without a doubt, you KNOW. You are 100 percent you, magnificent, and divine.   

About the Author:

Macy Harjot Matarazzo

Macy Harjot Matarazzo aka Rev Lunchlady---Love Coach/Unicorn Wrangler. Founder of Love Vibe TV, The Church of Kitschy Love, and The Love Advantage programs for women. A first-time bride at 43 with over 25 years of collecting failed relationships, devastating heart breaks, and dateless holiday parties before she finally found the formula which broke the painful cycle! Now she devotes her life to helping other smart, spiritually-conscious women stop the madness and draw in a meaningful and blissful love. She calls it “Unicorn Love” because it is the kind of love you never thought could exist. Her NO rules dating strategy connects women to their inner wisdom and confidence, to navigate the dating world and life with ease and to be a beacon of radiance that calls in the perfect match. This is a playful and spiritual path to real self-love, so not only do you open up to all the best people, partners, and opportunities for you, you fall deeply in love with yourself. Want to find your unicorn love? Connect with Macy here: The Love Advantage or join her group Smart, Single, Spiritually Conscious Women

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