in: Dating & Relationships

Love & Lovemaking: 6 Guidelines for Empowered Humans

Owning our own needs and wants in today’s dating culture can be tricky, but it doesn’t have to. Check out these sex guidelines for empowered, happy humans.

—This article was originally published by our friends at elephant journal; we’re republishing (with permission!) because we love it… and them. Enjoy.—

For your reading pleasure, some mindful relationship tips (from an old married lady):

Okay, so I’m not that old, and I’ve only been married for six months, but… being married and having a child puts me in a different category than the one I used to belong to as a single woman with no children.

I must say, I am relieved not to be dating anymore. It is, as they say, a jungle out there. But keep the faith! New love happens every day.

Last week, “The Tao of Dating: 6 Sex Guidelines for Empowered Women,” an article I wrote over three years ago on elephant was shared on Facebook, which led to its garnering over 25,000 views, apparently motivating this post on male sexual stereotypes and unleashing a cascade of appreciative messages from female friends and readers with whom it resonated.

When I wrote the post in 2010, I was single, discontent, living in a large city and surrounded by overlapping social circles, but lonely and increasingly convinced that a long-term, committed relationship was never going to happen for me.

It wasn’t my intention to perpetuate any stereotypes about men and sex. To clarify, I wrote that “men (gay and straight) seem quite capable of unattached sex.”

In my experience, a fair amount of men did seem ready, willing, and able to have sex at my beck and call. I don’t know what was actually going on in their minds; I can only speak from my own experience. Anyway, yes, point taken—women, just as much as men, are quite capable of detached sex.

When I wrote “there’s no such thing as casual sex,” all those moons ago, I meant that although the “hookup” may often appear to be casual, it’s actually not, because sex is inherently intimate and begs for a meaningful emotional connection—love, ideally—between partners.

However, hindsight is 20/20. I now amend my official stance on the issue.

Yes, there is such a thing as casual sex. And unless both parties are aware and accepting of the fact that it’s casual, it is a harmful and mindless act.

Without further ado, here are my revised and updated guidelines (gentle suggestions, not rules) for empowered human beings when it comes to love and lovemaking.

1. Know what you need and want.

Whether you’re looking for someone or you’ve already met that intriguing new person, knowing your own needs in and wants for the relationship is the essential first step.

Are you looking for something serious? Lighthearted? How much time would you ideally like to spend with the other person, at first? What is your ultimate goal? Marriage? Life partnership? Friendship? Good sex? Be honest with yourself about your own desires and requirements.

2. Express what you need and want.


Follow us to elephant journal to continue reading “The Tao of Dating Revisited: 6 Sex Guidelines for Empowered Humans” (and have a happy day).

About the Author

Michelle Fajkus is a contributor with elephant journal. She is a Gemini-with-Libra-rising, yoga-teaching, expat-Austinite, English-and-Spanish-speaking, mother, daughter, sister, partner, friend and mindful, perfectly imperfect human being who strives to speak and act with an open heart every day. Her words (essays, articles, poems, books) can be found on elephant journal, Rebelle Society, LeanPub, Yoga Freedom and EnlightenEd.

About the Author:

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