Our intimacy expert strikes again! Allana Pratt gets deep with a reader who doesn’t see eye to eye with her man on marriage–should she stay or should she go?
Question: My mister and I have been together for over seven years (we’ve known each other since childhood, it’s a beautiful thing). We raise two inspiring boys and have a supportive, healthy, honest relationship.
My only hangup: marriage has become a huge point of contention between us; the longer we’re together, the more naked my ring finger feels. At times I can totally handle it, even embrace it, other times I’m sad and confused and crushed and a little angry.
We talk about it from time to time, but it almost always escalates to arguing. I want to be able to get to the bottom of his/my feelings without feeling like that nagging girlfriend, whining “honeeeeeey, when are we gonna get marrrrrried!?”
It’s not a deal breaker, but what’s the deal? I want to feel complete and happy without a ring, but I’m having a hard time not taking it personally. I want to accept the present moment, but I don’t want to let go of my dream. Help! This totally sucks!
Answer: I hear you sister! I get how frustrated you must be! So let’s break this down:
1. Your relationship works in that it’s supportive, healthy and honest. Many marriages can’t even say that, so good on ya!
2. You’re sad, confused, crushed and a little angry: not good for the relationship and mentioning marriage bringing arguments creates separation… so let’s start to get curious…
a. what do you think marriage will bring?
b. what’s missing without marriage?
c. what specifically makes you feel sad, crushed angry?
I’m wondering if your man has a belief that marriage will destroy freedom, ruin what you have… not sure here yet either if he’s a highly defensive human being, or the way you’re asking is making him defensive…
If you got clear on how you’re feeling and engage in conversation with him NOT with an attachment to marriage, instead with a vulnerable, honest sharing of how you’re feeling… we might unveil some clues…
Does not being married make you feel…
a. not enough
b. embarrassed in social situations?
c. weird at school when the two kids have different last names than you?
d. afraid he’s going to leave?
When you both can get honest about what’s occurring deep down about desires to get married/not get married… then we could create a situation that may not be traditional, yet does meet both of your values and needs.
I’m wondering what you can create that makes you have the same sense of honor, security, connection and being cherished that marriage has? What about a ritual, a party, a ring? What if you redefined your dream to not require marriage to be enough, to be happy, to be secure and instead looked to other factors to make you feel treasured, chosen and desired?
These are DEEP QUESTIONS requiring introspection, honest, vulnerable, truthful sharing and a loving dose of intimate connection with the goal of creating greater love for those boys to grow up in… cuz when mama’s happy, everybody’s happy! So please take the time to do your inner work… and have a fruitful conversations with your man to create a situation that honors you both.
If you need support that’s what I”m here for… simply sign up for a Strategy Session at AllanaPratt.com/meetmindful and use the coupon code: friend for a substantial discount as a friend of MeetMindful.
I wouldn’t want this issue to break you up, or sabotage the deep intimacy, joy and love that’s possible. Your desires are valid and his concerns are valid… it’s time to remember you’re on the SAME SIDE and to create a deal where you both feel safe, honored, adored and HOME.
HUGE LOVE, Allana oxoxox