With any relationship, the sparkle of “new” can overwhelm us, even cloud our judgement. But you want to know if it’s something more… is this love or lust?

---

Relationships are hard. All—whether romantic, friendship, or family—take work and dedication. So, it’s no surprise that you wonder whether you are falling ‘in love’ or are simply ‘in lust’ with your newest date-night partner.

Should you really go all in with this individual? Do they feel the same, or are you both just incredibly attracted to each other? Initial attraction and deep love are two very different things; and you don’t want to waste time and energy on something that doesn’t have any future potential.

Identifying the Stages of Attraction

However, it’s also not as easy as taking a simple quiz (though these are entertaining) to identify whether or not you need to ditch your current partner and continue searching for ‘the one.’ Love is both complex and simple; exciting and constant. It encompasses emotions that happen immediately—like the initial attraction—or slowly grow deeper over time.

Love also doesn’t mean that you are without lust, quite the contrary in fact. Lust can transform into love, but it needs time and doesn’t always end with a successful result. Sometimes, the attraction and passion of a relationship just sort of fizzle out.

In research done by Dr. Helen Fisher on romantic love, she identifies three main stages to falling in love in her book Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love. This, of course, isn’t a full-proof way to analyze relationships, but it is a great starting point to see where you and your significant other are currently, and where you might go in the future.

Stage 1: The ‘In Lust’ Period

Every relationship begins with some sort of physical attraction. You are in lust for that person, driven by passion and desire. During this stage, your pheromones are running rampant and you cannot seem to get enough of each other. Some signs that you’re mainly in lust with your current partner:

• You’re both more focused on physical appearance when it comes to attraction.
• You have a strong desire for sexual connection, but not a deep emotional attachment.
• You avoid conversation about real emotions and feelings.
• You share physical connection as lovers, but are not emotionally connected as friends.

Stage 2: The Deepening Attraction Period

This is the moment in your relationship where the deep physical attraction begins to grow and deepen. It isn’t just pure lust anymore. You sometimes spend hours thinking about your lover, and ideas about the future start to trickle into your mind.

Yet, you also are still lost in the physical sensations of being ‘love struck.’ Hormones like dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine constantly make your heart beat fast and give you the butterflies.

Stage 3: Deep Love & Attachment

You’ve made it past the courting phase and your attraction has begun to transform into something much deeper than only physical needs and wants. You appreciate your partner’s whole character and personality—including their imperfections and weaknesses. You have meaningful conversations about what you want out of life in the future. Most importantly, you choose to love and accept your partner every day.

In Dr. Judith Orloff’s book Guide to Inuitive Healing: 5 Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness, she writes that some of the main signs of deep love and attachment include the deep desire to make your significant other happy, as well as the want to be a better person. You begin to introduce them to the other important relationships in your life, like family and friends.

In addition to developments outside of the bedroom, emotions are also deepening between the sheets as well. The more sex a couple has, the deeper the bond between them becomes. Coupled with the deepening of emotions not attached to sex, but rather the character of a person, the arrival at true, romantic love is a huge and amazing revelation. Some telltale signs you are in love:

• You desire to be with only your partner, and feel a type of possessiveness toward them.
• You crave quality time together, as well as sex.
• You find yourself lost in conversations for hours at a time.
• You listen to each other’s feelings with the end goal of making each other happy.
• You are motivated to be a better person.
• You want him/her to meet your family and friends and vice versa.

True, romantic love can be a beautiful and exhilarating experience. You are on a journey of self-discovery with your significant other by your side—to laugh, to make love, to argue, to smile, to have adventures. You’re overall goal is to create a balance between lust and love, but don’t force it.

Don’t Ignore Gut Feelings about Relationships

It is important to remember that the chemistry of romantic love and addiction are not so very different from one another. If you are not ready or interested in a seriously committed relationship, it may be wise to choose your sexual partners carefully and to be open about your expectations from the beginning. Some gut feelings you shouldn’t ignore about your relationship:

• That little voice that whispers, “danger” and recognizes something isn’t quite right.
• You don’t feel better after you are with your significant other, but emotionally drained.
• The attraction doesn’t feel natural, but dark and a little destructive.
• You are afraid to speak to them about how you feel because you are afraid it might push them away.

If you experience any of these four feelings, you may want to reevaluate whether or not you want to continue putting time and effort into your relationship.

The most important thing to remember is that most relationships that make it to the third stage of true, romantic love have open lines of communication and sharing from the beginning—even in the lust stage. The balance that comes later is something that grows organically and isn’t forced.