If you think your sexual adventures are as good as they can get, we assure you, you’re wrong. Thank your S.O.S.—making love is about to reach new heights.
—See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World—
As mentioned in previous articles, every adult has a Sexual Operating System (S.O.S.) that has an enormous impact on the quality and longevity of their intimate relationships. For most people, this is a largely unconscious influence that, if left unchecked, practically dooms every relationship to eventual failure. Fortunately, we also have the ability to proactively “upgrade” our S.O.S. to greatly enhance both our intimate experiences and the chances of staying together with our significant other for the long haul.
This week we are going to explore what is possible when sharing our most inmate moments under the influence of an upgraded S.O.S.—an experience which, for many, will be beyond their previous imagining…
Conscious vs. Instinctive Lovemaking
Keep in mind, unless you have read the previous two articles, what I’m about to share may not make much sense. For our purposes here, I define conscious lovemaking as a physically intimate encounter when both parties have experienced an S.O.S. “upgrade.” Likewise, instinctive lovemaking is defined as physically intimate encounters that are driven by the unconscious procreative urge (whether having progeny is the intention or not) which is essentially the realm of a baseline S.O.S.
So in this context, conscious means being very aware and present, and unconscious means instinctual and visceral with respect to our intimate behavior. Clearly, there is a significant difference here and from this point on I am will be referring strictly to the conscious version of lovemaking.
Setting the Stage
The first step to conscious lovemaking is scheduling it. “What?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Whatever happened to spontaneity?” might be one of the first things that comes to mind when you first hear about scheduling your intimate encounters. Ripping each other’s clothes off at the first flirtatious come-hither look may seem like the ultimate turn on; but I assure you, it is but a mere shadow of what is possible when you plan your encounters. It can be the difference between 15 minutes of heavy breathing, moaning, thrusting etc. ending in a few short seconds of explosive orgasm for at least one of you. Or, literally hours of exquisitely heightened sensuality that continues on long after each of you experience climaxes of such power, duration and (at least for the female partner) nearly endless multiplicity that go far beyond what most people think is even possible.
So the first step is to agree on a time and place that will give you both complete privacy and freedom of interruption of any kind (cell phones off, please) for at least a couple of hours. The following next steps are what my partner and I do nearly every time. As a result, we consistently have intimate experiences that only continue to grow and become more powerful and fulfilling over time. While what follows is intended as a roadmap of sorts, feel free to add your own sense of adventure into the mix as well.
Getting Warmed Up
(NOTE: as mentioned in the previous article, I strongly urge men with normal erectile function to masturbate prior to doing the following—at least for the first few times. This is to avoid giving in to the nearly overwhelming urge for immediate penetration that can overcome most men when they get hard.)
Typically the first thing my partner and I do is take a shower together. We use a loofa to scrub each other down in a loving, nurturing, sensual yet non-sexual manner. I’m kind of old fashioned and have this “Ladies First” rule. This means every time we do something intimate or pre-intimate together, I give to her first—which she so appreciates. In addition to becoming squeaky clean for each other, this very process helps us become fully centered and present both in the giving and receiving—which is a critical component to our conscious lovemaking.
The next thing we do is retire to the bedroom where the lighting is set to “full-romantic” and soothing, soft music is playing in the background. Taking turns (her first, of course) we give each other 45 minute full-body massages (again, non-overtly sexual). The fact that neither one of us has had any training in this is irrelevant. All you need to do is listen and pay attention to what your partner and their body wants and be fully present as you affectionately massage them. Likewise, it is just as important to be fully present in the receiving of your partners loving hands as they work the kinks, aches and pains from your body.
This phase accomplishes three important things:
- First, it reduces the physical tension in each of your bodies so you both can more easily and fully give and receive what is to come next;
- It provides a sensual warm-up through physical touching that prepares you both for the more overt sexual stimulation that is to come afterwards. With every stroke, the receiver feels their partner’s care and love;
- It helps prepare you to become fully present in both giving and receiving of sexual pleasure.
Getting Down to Business
Now that you are both fully present, warmed up and by now quite turned on, it is time to get on with the rest of intimate adventure. Here are a few thoughts to help you both get the most out of this part of your lovemaking:
- Ladies First – Women in general take much longer to warm up and are more responsive to gentle rather than frenetic stimulation—even during climax (which is the exact opposite for most men). Also, when you give to your woman first, she is much more likely to be very enthusiastic when it comes time to reciprocate.
- Presence vs. Performance – No goals, no agenda other than to be fully present for each other in both the giving and receiving. It is important to not make having a climax a goal; otherwise, you risk performance anxiety, especially in the female partner. Ironically, by explicitly not making it a goal, it is far more likely to happen.
- It’s an Adventure – You are each two unique human beings with unique desires and sensual patterns. Treat this as the adventure of exploration using your respective intuitions as you give and receive. You just may be astounded at what you discover (this continues to happen for my partner and I to this very day).
- It’s All about Connection – As powerful as this experience is, it is not just about sex. It is about a deep connection that is happening on the emotional, physical and even spiritual level. And if you are willing to see it within this context, your mutual pleasure and fulfillment will be multiplied manifold.
Pleasuring Each Other
How you proceed to pleasure your woman is certainly up to her and you. My partner and I both prefer oral pleasuring over any other form of stimulation. And for most women (assuming they have no body self-image issues) this is typically one of the most pleasurable things you can do for her.
The tongue is an incredibly sensitive organ and can be a source of intense and prolonged pleasure. I’ve been quoted on live broadcast media interviews as saying: “While the pen may be mightier than the sword, I have discovered that the tongue is mightier than the penis.” The tongue never gets tired and is capable of exquisitely fine and subtle stimulation that is simply not available by any other means.
Should you choose to pleasure your partner in this way, there are several caveats to keep in mind. First, avoid the “Captain Crunch & Munch” syndrome. Remember, slow and gentle is the preference for most women, even during climax. I literally have to fight my male brain screaming at me saying: “Go faster, harder!!” when I sense my partner is near climax. For her, slow and steady is the best way—period. Also, should she climax and it seems she is not overly sensitive afterwards, don’t stop, keep going (slowly). You may find that she is eventually capable of essentially an unlimited number of climaxes.
(NOTE: I truly believe and have experienced for myself that feminine sensual potential is virtually unlimited if their partner creates the appropriate “space” in which it can fully blossom.)
Don’t stop until she says stop or expresses an urgent desire to reciprocate. At this point it is her turn to pleasure you in the way you would like. However just be sure to be fully present in the receiving of her gift to you as well.
This is Just the Beginning
If you faithfully follow what I have outlined above, chances are you will have experienced a two or more hour long lovemaking session that exceeds anything either of you have ever had before. And it is just the beginning of what is possible.
My partner and I will be celebrating our 3rd year together in about a month and yet our intimacy is light-years beyond what is was during our “honeymoon,” rip-our-clothes-off phase. And it only gets better—which continues to serve as an awe-inspiring wonderment for me.
This could be the start of something truly beautiful for you and your partner. An intimate adventure that grows, deepens, and become more fulfilling the longer you are together.
This article was originally published with the Good Men Project; republished with the author’s full (and kind) permission.