Hey, you! Recently I talked about how to get into a meditative state in order to feel excited about interacting with others in a social environment. The four steps. Getting into the place where you are engaging with others, whether it’s a head nod proceeding eye contact, or approaching someone next to you.
Today I’m going to focus on how to execute the mingling part of Meditative Mingling; how we can open ourselves up to meet that dream girl or guy in a social situation.
Many people are under the conception that in order to get what you want at a bar, you should be stomping straight up to the hottest woman or charming-est Charlie in the room—with all this “courage.”
I say, forget courage. I don’t need it. You know what I prefer? Purpose.
Purpose is what drives me to get what I want. It’s the other side of this whole puzzle.
The first half is Presence. Presence is the meditative part. It’s the part where you feel great about the place, and you just want to go hug everyone in the room.
But what if you end up hugging the wrong person at the end of the night? Maybe you first saw him or her as alluring, but found out later they’re just damn boring. All of that focus and “courage” on meeting that one person and it ends up they are complete disappointments. No fun.
I do it a different way. I want to meet everyone that looks interesting to me. As the night moves on, I will filter out the ones I don’t connect with and keep close the ones that I have the most fun with. It looks a bit like a funnel, actually—which is why I call it “Funnel Theory.”
What Funnel Theory Looks Like:
I get to the bar early and start with the old guy sitting next to me. I’ll chat it up with him—get warmed up. Then I’ll turn around and pull in the couple next to me on a date. I’ll ask them how they got so good at being together and tell them I’m looking for the same thing.
I’ll turn around to see a group of women standing behind me; they’re looking to get a drink at the bar. I’ll let them in, but not without asking about the fox scarf on one of their necks. I’ll learn she’s a fashion designer and remember that the woman from the earlier couple is looking for a job in fashion. I’ll hook them up. Then I’ll talk to the remaining two women getting a drink. I’ll introduce that older man from the beginning of the night to one of the women and they’ll begin a conversation about hunting, while I chat with my lady about fishing and how it will be my return into sushi-eating.
By this time, half the room sees the party I’ve just started and more people are crowding into the room on this Friday night. Everyone wants to know what the commotion is, and they start looking for the source—the stem of all these people.
My move into the group a few feet away is easy because they’re already glancing at me. I’ll move into another group of guys and recruit one to go chatting up the ladies nearby.
It’s been about 40 minutes, and I’ve chatted with a good bunch of lovely women. I like them all, but there were two that I liked most. I go back to the groups those two were part of.
There comes a moment that I realize one of the women I was interested in is about to drive her friends home, as she is DD. I ask her to be Facebook friends and we connect.
I go back to one of the other girls I liked—she’s the third wheel in the hunting conversation, so I get back to fishing and vegetarianism with her. I tell her I’m starting a jazz band and we challenge each other to do a rendition of our favorite songs from the early 90s.
I turn around to make sure the couple behind me is still in love. They are still in love. I turn return to my new friend and she is waiting for me. It’s been an hour and a half.
How do I do this? I treat any room I’m in like it’s a private party—and I’m the host. As I’m enjoying everyone, I’m keeping an eye on the people that match my values in life, a unique chemistry and sexual tension. As the night progresses, I let my Presence be my motor and my Purpose be my rudder.
At the end of the night, I’m either talking music with a new lady friend or chatting about French directors from the 50s with an up-and-coming filmmaker. The point is, I get specific about the people I want to build relationships with. Even though I’m in complete appreciation of all the people in the room, I allow my natural inclinations to lead me to the people I’ve made exceptional connections with.
I make sure to gravitate back to the people that align with my life vision. This is easy when you have strong values already in line. If you are young and inexperienced, I recommend you keep your heart open to learning as much as possible, then decide what you want in life, as well as the type of people you want to bring in your life. Being present is crucial, but if you are not being purposeful with your life vision, then you are misdirecting valuable energy.
There are a million and one benefits to this social technique of funneling-in likeminded people throughout the course of your night, but I can talk about those another time. Just understand that this funneling technique is the best way to meet someone you want to meet at a social function—so use it.
That’s Meditative Mingling and I use it whenever I’m being social.
If I think about this in a spiritual context, I can say that this compulsion to engage with other people while in this meditative state is our enlightened realization of oneness. When our ego is in control, all it wants is to be separated from others; it thinks that’s the only way it can create an impression of mystery and appeal in others. When in reality, it’s only perpetuating a game of cat and mouse.
Question: Have you ever owned a room? Maybe a birthday party in fifth grade, maybe an Easter dinner with family. Tell me when’s the last time you’ve unknowingly meditatively mingled with people at a party.
I’m obsessed with human interactions, kids—and I’m happy to be one of your resident dating coaches at MeetMindful.
[photo: Marcos de Madariaga on flickr]