| I Confess One of the secrets of being at peace within yourself and with other people in your life is to be an active participant in communication. That’s not a surprise, right? It’s almost a cliché at this point that nearly every relationship could benefit from better communication. It is important to communicate basic things like directions, requests, needs, and feelings, but also (when you are ready and feeling safe) memories, fears, and insecurities. Being open about those aspects of ourselves allows us to drop the façade of “who I think you want me to be.” Being vulnerable with that partner allows for intimacy to develop in a different, deeper way. It’s almost like we start relationships wearing a mask to cover up our self-perceived flaws, but when we start feeling safer or stronger, we become more willing to take off the mask. The delay between the “being masked” phase and the “true self unmasked” phase can sometimes create a huge problem. I know I am not the only person who has found themselves shocked when a partner begins behaving in an unfamiliar way after some point of major commitment. The commitment of moving in together or being engaged or even married can unfortunately be the green light for someone to finally reveal some sort of deal-breaking attitude, core belief, or behavior that you had not seen before. The “commitment” can represent security or structure that will prevent you from leaving when they reveal themselves. So, how can we foster a sense of security in a way that doesn’t depend on a huge commitment to happen first? Why would someone need a huge commitment to be real with you? I could go into some pretty deep theories about why a partner might wait for a “big sign” of security before they drop their mask, but there are thousands of possible reasons, so…what to do? We could be open ourselves, encouraging the partner to follow suit. But if they don’t reciprocate, it might be hard to carry on with one-sided vulnerability. They may take longer to open up and being pressured to do so might feel suffocating or controlling. Forcing it surely won’t work—that’s basically the opposite of allowing someone to feel safe enough to naturally share themselves with you. Some may claim that they don’t want to reveal things about their inner lives with a partner for fear it may drive the partner away. How do you prevent all that second-guessing and hiding from happening, though? Well, there’s no surefire way to get people to be their true selves around you. Wielding a demand for vulnerability from someone who isn’t ready to give it will absolutely not work. You also don’t want to turn this promising partnership into something based on transactional emotional debt. We’re hoping for flow and connection that originates organically, but at the end of the day, you only have your side of the relationship to carry. That means your personal “masking” is yours to own. Your own ability to be vulnerable needs to be something you clearly understand about yourself. There are lots of very good reasons to protect yourself from being too open with someone you’ve just met, but holding on to past hurts or keeping up a personal wall can prevent you from developing a new, meaningful relationship. It might be worth it to do some meditating/journalling about it. Now, I know we use “confession” in association with some religious practices, but I don’t mean that here. I like to use “I confess” as a lead into something I am being honest and real about. In this exercise, I want you to try “I confess” to cue yourself into being truthful and open-hearted with YOU. Ask yourself to make five confessions. They don’t all have to be extraordinarily deep. Some might just be based on a memory. Heck, they could even be humorous confessions and/or optimistic. The key is to be honestly contemplating your truth. Write it out, talk it out, or go for a long walk while you elaborate on and consider the truths of the confessions. Here are some prompts: I confess that when I was a kid… I confess that my last relationship was… I confess that I am freaked out by _________ even though I try to _______ … I confess that thinking about the future makes me feel… I confess that I do this (embarrassing thing)… I confess that I would change _____ about myself if I could, because… I confess that I get angry when… I confess that I love… I confess that I regret… I confess that I sometimes want… Once you have pondered the circumstances of your confessions, ask yourself if you could share them with someone else, and if so, under what conditions? If you opted for light-hearted confessions, what is one deeper confession that might be harder to share? What kind of person would be safe with your truth? Because these prompts are so open-ended, you could possibly be brave enough to share some of these prompts (or ones you create) to have a conversation with someone you are dating or even close friends with. It could be a story-telling game you play. It could turn into an ultra-deep and healing conversation between the two of you. It might even open the possibility to other intimate things if that’s where your relationship is heading. I hope a confession session is healing for you! As always, Namaste -Amy |
INSPIRATIONS THIS WEEK
We’re feeling inspired by these incredible and thought provoking pieces:
- ‘Mind-Reading’ Technology Translates Brainwaves into Photos The technology could even be used to communicate with people in comas.
- Neanderthals died out 40,000 years ago, but there has never been more of their DNA on Earth We now know Homo Neanderthalensis were very similar to ourselves and we even met them and frequently interbred. But why did they go extinct, while we survived, flourished and ended up taking over the planet?
- Scientists Use ‘Sleep Age’ to Infer Long-Term Health – Neuroscience News Sleep age, a projected age that correlates to a person’s sleep health, may be a predictor of overall health and mortality risk.
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That’s all for today, y’all – remember, taking time to focus on you is an act of love.
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