If you’ve ever been left dumbstruck questioning what exactly went wrong, breathe deep. We’ve got you (along with three surprising reasons men leave).
We’ve all rented a room or two at the “Heartbreak Hotel,” maybe even on more than one occasion.
Sometimes we say that we didn’t see the breakup coming (even when it’s approaching like a raging bull wearing a neon green shirt pressing a blow horn). Other times, they truly do appear out of nowhere; everything was fine, until suddenly… it wasn’t.
No matter how a breakup comes about, they usually have something in common—three secret reasons your ex is likely hiding—secrets that keep him from fully expressing how he feels.
You may think: No way… this isn’t the case. Not my guy! Your man was sensitive, open, and cried at the movies. But, all men struggle with these issues, which confuse them and cause them to bolt.
Understanding these issues can help you get over a bad breakup… or, possibly help you get your ex back.
Here are the three secret reasons men break up with really great women:
1. He felt pressured and inadequate.
Were you constantly chasing him? Did you want more love, affection, or sex than what he was doling out? Did you feel like you were frequently trying to “fix” things in the relationship?
If you can identify with any of these, there was definitely an imbalance in your relationship, and more than likely he felt pressured and inadequate in your presence. And it’s important that you know… that’s not at all your fault.
Most men run from emotional pressure like they’re running for their lives (because, in their minds, they are running for their lives). Emotional pressure challenges the underdeveloped part of a man’s masculinity and makes him feel ill-equipped to deal. In his mind, he feels like anything he does isn’t (and never will be) good enough for you. This causes men to naturally shut down and lock their hearts up like Fort Knox, rather than deal with any more feelings of pressure or inadequacy.
2. Your relationship felt competitive.
If a man has to compete with a woman for control of the relationship, he not only feels inadequate, but also like there’s no place for his masculinity in his woman’s life.
Keep this in mind: it’s very important.
This isn’t to say that a man should control the entire relationship, that’s unfair to both parties. Rather, a successful relationship has complementary forces where each person relinquishes control in certain areas. If this doesn’t happen, both parties end up in competition—both compete to win and, in the end, the relationship loses.
This dynamic shows up in scenarios like these:
- In a social context with friends! Did the two of you get in arguments about who was “right” in front of friends?
- Financially, who is the breadwinner? Did you make more money than him? And more importantly, was it ever brought up in a way that emasculated him?
- Relationally, did you constantly make the decisions in the relationship? Where to eat, what fun things to do, or what movies to attend?
If he felt like you were against him instead of for him, he never felt fully capable of opening his heart because he was afraid of losing the “game” and getting hurt.
3. He didn’t feel respected.
A man can’t build a life with a woman who doesn’t respect him. He has to feel that his partner has his back above and beyond anyone else—he must know that in his weakest moment, she will shower him with acceptance. Because, you see, here is the hidden truth about your value: you are the key to his greatness.
In order for him to unlock all that he has within him, including his tenderness and willingness to commit, he needs a deep and underlying foundation of respect. With a high caliber woman by his side he can take greater risks in life and actually experience more freedom than ever possible by himself.
So now that you know the reasons he left, how do you start to get him back? It’s time to reflect and begin to take immediate action to rectify the situation if you still truly love him. Once you know how to break through his defenses and touch the deepest part of his heart, he’ll feel an overwhelming calm and trust that you truly (finally) get him.
This article was originally published with YourTango; republished with the kindest permission.
Further Reading from YourTango:
- Oh No He Didn’t! 5 Worst Ways To Get Dumped
- The 5 Stages Of Breakup Grief
- 10 Tips For Surviving A Breakup
[image: via shutterstock]
About the Author
Clayton Olson: Secretly, you feel like you won’t ever get it together, right? You’re all over the place. All of your relationships tend to end the same way and you’re tired of getting it wrong. Allow me to help you get your head and your heart in harmony.
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