in: Dating & Relationships

The Secret to Life-Altering Sex? Fearlessness

Kristen Hick

Sex can take us places, incredible places. Why not maximize that feel-good potential on the physical and mental level? Change your sex, change your life.


It’s about to be summer and as the days—and nights—are heating up, we’ll explore how to have fearless sex.

What does fearlessness have to do with sex? Good question. And I’m sure your next burning question is, “How do I have fearless sex?” 

Fearlessness and Sex

Like it or not, we all have fears about sex. It is part and parcel of growing up in a society (and in some cases, in families) that make sex, bodies, desire, and fantasy taboo topics.

It’s not like fear is bad in all cases, and certainly not in all situations involving intimacy. Practicing fearlessness in sexual encounters is not about having sex with complete strangers or having unsafe sex. Protecting yourself and your partners from potential emotional or physical harm is always recommended.

Practicing fearlessness in sex does involve taking an honest look at your fears, your anxieties, and your secret desires related to sex and exploring how pushing beyond your typical comfort zones can enhance your satisfaction and connection with yourself and/or your partner.

Fearless Sex versus The Act of Sex

While this piece is certainly not a commentary on “right” versus “wrong” sex, as an individual relationship therapist, my work involves helping individuals find mindful, life-enriching relationships, which do tend to be within dating and committed relationships. I’m not saying that some people couldn’t benefit from exploring fearlessness within one-time sexual partnerships, but I will stick with my area of expertise. Thus, this piece will delve into what it means to have fearless sex within ongoing relationships.

In my professional experience, I’ve found that the type of sex that is most feared is vulnerable sex, plain and simple. Vulnerable sex involves allowing your desires, your needs, and your fears be seen by your partner. It demands that you show up, fears and all, and connect—physically, romantically, emotionally, and spiritually. In other words, all of you is present, not just your hot body in sexy underwear.

What Is Your Version of Fearless Sex?

In order to explore fearlessness within your real actual sex life, you must first reflect and consider how you might practice this once you show up in the bedroom. Yes, if you explore it first with your mind, you will be one step closer to engaging in it with your body. And all the rest of you that we just talked about.

What does vulnerable, fearless sex mean to you? Who comes to mind when you think of vulnerable, fearless sex? What images does it elicit for you?

  • Is it having sex with someone who really knows and sees you?
  • Does it involve sex with someone you trust or in whom you want to trust?
  • Does it involve openly sharing or communicating your desires and seeing if your partner will try to meet them?
  • Does it involve sharing your fantasies with your partner, in hopes that he/she will enact them with you?
  • Does it involve the absence of penetration and lots of explorative touch?
  • Does it involve being the leader/teacher in the bedroom? If so, what would you want to teach?
  • Does it involve being the follower? If so, what would you like to learn?
  • Does it involve being in a submissive or dominant role in the bedroom?
  • Does it involve role-play? If so, what kind?

Practice…Yes, I Said Practice

Knowing the who, what, and when of your vulnerable version of sex will put you one step closer to being able to engage in this wonderful experience.

Flying Solo? 

Once you identify what fearless sex can look like, can you practice on your own? Can you explore your own body, desires, and fantasies? Whoever said you need a mate to explore fearless sex?

Dating?  

What steps can you take to attract a partner with whom you can be fearless? Who might this person be; what would he or she be like? What would it look like to explore vulnerability and fearlessness with someone you are dating? What does your intuition tell you about when it feels right to explore this?

In a Relationship?

How could you open up the dialogue to explore fearless, vulnerable sex with your partner? What would you like to share with him/her? What would you like to start with if the whole idea seems a bit too vulnerable to you?

With some willingness to reconsider social norms and preconceived ideas of sex, and a gentle push through the next layer of your fears, you will be having life-changing, fearless sex in no time. This is the next level of intimacy, and it is waiting for you to come explore.

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide professional help with psychological issues. There are understandably reasons that fear may come up around issues of sex, especially for those with a history of trauma or abuse. Readers are encouraged to address these experiences with a qualified professional within a confidential therapeutic relationship.

About the Author:

Kristen Hick Kristen Hick

Kristen Hick, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in the area of awakened dating and healthy relationships. She is the founder of Center for Shared Insight, a private psychotherapy practice in Denver where she and her clients focus on Individual Relationship Therapy. Dr. Hick’s expertise lies in helping individuals create healthy, meaningful, and loving relationships with others through healing, strengthening and transforming their most essential relationship, with themselves. When not helping clients fulfill their personal relationship goals, she enjoys the Colorado outdoors, capturing life through photography, practicing yoga and hopes to one day manage her first unassisted headstand. You can connect with Dr. Hick on her site, Facebook or Google+

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