in: Dating & Relationships

They’re Not That into You: 7 Warning Signs

When your heart hopes a romance will work, we can deceive ourselves into ignoring warning signs. These seven red flags mean it’s probably best to walk away.

It only happens … if you let it.

Have you ever left a dating experience wondering what the heck happened? You clearly missed the warning signs that were sent, or perhaps didn’t know what to look for. As a dating coach, I’ve seen this happen so many times in my 14-year practice, and I’m here to say that being made a fool has GOT TO STOP.

To that end, I’m going to reveal seven red flags that let you know that the person you’re dating is not serious about you. They’re not necessarily mean, they just doesn’t want the same type of relationship that you do.

Often this problem stems from someone believing they can change a person’s desire for a relationship—that is pure fantasy. Once a person shows you they don’t want a relationship or, when they don’t make time to see you on real dates, the rest lands on your shoulders.

Yes, it’s up to YOU to maintain standards for the treatment that you want and deserve.

Establishing boundaries means you know what you will and will not put up with to have a partner in your life. Quality partners who want a loving relationship will pursue you and do their best to win you over. They will happily spend time with you, treat you well, and try to nurture the growth of the relationship.

If they don’t act this way from the start, or dating disintegrates into a virtual relationship, you need to cut them loose. Otherwise, chances are extremely high you have some heartache or frustration headed your way.

Here are the seven telltale signs that your partner is not interested in commitment:

1. She tells you she doesn’t want a relationship, but you date her anyway.

You go on a first date with a woman who has many of the qualities you’re seeking. She tells you right away she doesn’t want a relationship, then engages you in interesting conversation. You like her and decide to see where things go. This is a big mistake.

When a person says she doesn’t want a relationship, you need to believe her and move on.

2. He flirts with you, but doesn’t ask you out.

This man—you know him from work, the gym, or church—is such a flirt! He goes out of his way to turn your head. Funny thing is, he never asks you out. He’s always happy to see you, but it doesn’t go any further; that’s your clue he’s not seriously interested.

Any person who wants to date you will ask you out or (at least) imply. If this person doesn’t seem to want to move past the flirtation, there’s something holding them back. Move on.

3. She says she’s never been in love.

This is a tough one. Some people are drawn to someone who appears vulnerable and admits they’ve never been in love—like a moth to a flame. The danger lies in turning this individual into your “love project” because you think they just haven’t met the right person yet (a.k.a. you!).

Thoughts like these will leave you feeling foolish when the other person breaks it off. If they’ve never been in love and they’re well into adulthood, they don’t want to be in love. Don’t’ fall for this—walk away.

4. He texts, but doesn’t have time to see you.

Many people love texting, but anyone who texts “Good morning, Sunshine” but never has time to see you, is possibly (probably) texting several other people the same message. Imagine the ego boost of texting with a bunch of single folks.

Don’t waste your time no matter how much fun texting this person is or how “into you” they seem. If they were serious, they’d spend time with you in person, too.

5. She’s newly divorced, isn’t ready for anything serious, but wants to “see where things go.”

This is a tricky red flag because she tells you right off she doesn’t want anything serious. Yet, she dangles the possibility of a relationship based on how things go. In your mind, you know things could will go great because you’re a great catch. So, you decide to take the chance. This may be a mistake.

When a person tells you they aren’t serious, they mean it. Finish your glass of wine and say farewell.

6. He brings “take out” to your place, but you never go out together.

Your date suggests takeout and watching a movie at your place (the ole “Netflix and chill” routine). Sounds cozy, right? But if this is happening on the regular, you just might be the “booty call.”

He comes over to your place, but he never takes you out on a proper dinner date. Why? It’s possible he can’t risk being seen in public with another person because he’s in a relationship or married.

Avoid dates at home until you’ve had several dates in public to see how serious someone is about pursuing a relationship with you.

7. You always set up dates because she doesn’t.

When you call and ask her to do something, she agrees to meet you, but she never initiates anything.

Is she lazy? Maybe; but the more likely motivation (or lack of it) is that she’s just passing time with you. She has fun and you’re willing to do all the work, so why not spend time with you until she meets a partner she likes more.

Don’t be a place holder. If she doesn’t ask you out, regardless of the reason, it’s time to cut ties.

Walking away is not easy, I understand. Some prospective partners seem too cute, charming, or fun to reject or resist their advances; but, don’t waste time with people who don’t respect your time and affection. There are too many good people out there to ever settle for second rate.


This article was originally published with YourTango; republished and adapted for use with the kindest permission.

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Looking for real talk about the most important relationships in your life? Who isn't! YourTango is our go-to destination for cathartic love advice, sexy tips, brave personal essays, and an amazing network of experts who solve our trickiest dilemmas. Whether you're single, married, divorced, or in-between, the online magazine is not afraid to cover the stuff we all think, but don't say out loud. (Also, the articles and hilarious memes on their Facebook page bring tears to our eyes!)