Settle in for a wife’s hilarious account of how the Tinder’s online dating app has satisfied some deeply silly, blissfully instant, secret urges.
A year and a half ago, I married an amazing man. We moved to Denver and settled into a life of near-domestic bliss. Travis, if you’re reading this, I’d characterize life as completely blissful if I had a puppy…
Needless to say, I thought my days on the dating scene were far behind me; but, there was one night last summer when my totally-single-and-loving it little sister looked at me and, presciently, said “Oh my God, you’d love Tinder.”
I guess, at first, I found it hard to believe that I’d love an online dating app that was described as “the straight version of Grindr.” But, it was a Thursday night and I figured checking it out might be more exciting than, say, watching the first season of Gossip Girl, for the third time.
For those of you living under a rock, Tinder seems to be the dating application du jour. When you log in, it displays pictures of singles in your general area, along with their interests, any common Facebook friends and a short tagline. (Which, in Colorado, always seems to be something like “Living and loving the outdoor life!” accompanied by a picture of the subject in ski goggles on a sick backcountry run. Guys, seriously, I can’t tell if you’re hot if you’re wearing goggles.)
The magic of the app is the swiping. After viewing someone’s profile you can make the choice to swipe right (like) or swipe left (dislike), rendering your final judgment on a potential match. If the guy in question finds you similarly not ugly, you are notified, at which point you can commence chatting, sexting, making out, etc.—the goal, ostensibly, being to find someone to date—Wait, do people even date anymore? Or has that gone the way of flip phones? I digress—or, at least, regularly hook up with.
Since it was awesome, I naturally spent the next 76 hours swiping through the male population of Denver. What can I say, this app fulfills my need to judge people and my desire for an ego boost at the same time! It’s like “Hot or Not” with a feedback loop—the very definition of a guilty pleasure.
So anyway, since I feel like it was an educational experience that was somewhat wasted on me, I thought I’d share some of my random learnings with you.
1. You’ll run into all the single guys you know in real life on Tinder
You will walk into work one day and have that tall skinny kid with the funny footwear come up to you and say something like: “Hey….so…. I saw you on Tinder the other day….”
This guy will always be someone you swiped left on.
2. Every guy on Tinder likes to “visit cool places!” and “try new things!”
Which is super weird, because every guy I know in actual real life only wants to “drink beer” and “watch football” and “get laid.”
3. Men seem to feel like it’s totally okay to talk dirty with women they’ve never met before.
I mean, my Tinder profile picture is of my husband and I on our wedding day. What was your thought process when you led with “What’s your favorite sexual position?”
4. Everyone likes to feel attractive.
Sure, it’s wonderful to know that there’s someone out there that loves me for things like personality and wit and all that.
But boy, does it feel good to know that Jim, (22, Boulder, “I love working out”) looked at my profile picture and thought I was kinda cute. So did Ryan (24, Denver, “Obsessed with video games”). And Matthew (27, Golden, “I don’t like to read.”). And a whole host of other guys that, apparently, are into married women.
5. If there are two guys in a Tinder profile picture, the one that you’re actually rating is the less cute one.
Yes, ladies, men have no shame, apparently, in using their hotter, fitter friends to try to get some action.
6. People have wildly divergent tastes—even on the superficial stuff.
Wishing to share the awesome, I logged in with a (married) girlfriend at a bar, and we tried to collectively decide how to judge our potential matches. We realized after five minutes that not only did we both have definite types, but that our types were very different.
She preferred rugged, masculine guys with muscles and facial stubble. I, on the other hand, like my men to resemble Backstreet Boys—too dated? Is One Direction the modern analogy?— skinnyish with floppy hair. Aside from the most conventionally good looking, we couldn’t agree, at all.
7. You’re probably shallow and judgy too.
Admit it, you do it all the time—look at a girl you just met and spend the next five minutes pondering whether she’s actually a “real eight” or just a “well put together seven.” Now think about getting to do just that en masse, from the privacy of your own couch. In fact, I’d bet there are a not-small group of people who are on Tinder solely for the wicked sense of satisfaction they get when the big red “NOPE” floats over the picture of someone they’ve summarily dismissed. Well that and the sex, I guess.
No really, try it. Tell me I’m not right.
*No marriages were harmed in the making of this blog post.
Lee Mayer is a recovering New Yorker who is only now learning to enjoy things like “mountains” and “being outside.” She’s the co-founder of Havenly, an interior design start up, following a career climbing the corporate ladder in jobs that are too boring to describe on such a fun site. She enjoys good wine, wearing weather inappropriate clothing, and trying out dating services. Lee lives in Denver with her extremely patient husband, Travis, and—sadly—zero dogs.