Courage, play, and deep gratitude for who we are make all the difference in dating–and who better to teach us these virtues than the almighty drag queen?
If you want to find meaningful love, the hard truth is you can’t just kick it on the chaise lounge and hope the doorbell rings—you have to date.
And if you hate dating as much as wearing pantyhose in the summer, either you won’t put yourself out there, or you will begrudgingly with a low-key negative vibe because you feel miserable doing it.
One strategy guarantees you will stay single and the other offers—at best—a handful of bad dates that will probably make you want to sashay away, quit dating, and schedule a date with Ben & Jerry’s, instead.
Only when you can have fun dating is real love possible.
It’s human nature to want a loving connection—so if that’s your heart’s desire it’s no surprise. We all long to be seen, understood, and appreciated for who we really are—even when we can’t fit into our skinny jeans or if we have no interest in training for a triathlon.
So how do we have more fun dating?
Date like a Drag Queen!
Why? Because it doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, drag queens are the greatest example of courage, vulnerability, self-expression, and playfulness I know. They’re grateful for who they are deep down and there’s nothing more incredible than embracing that authenticity.
Here are eight tips on channeling your inner drag queen to ‘werk it’ in your dating life:
1. Purse First.
One of my favorite queens is “Bob the Drag Queen.” He coined the phrase “purse first.” I like to think this means leading with courage. Dressing up in drag takes grit…as does dating!
It’s easy to get sucked into the fear of putting yourself out there, of opening the heart, of being rejected, of past patterns repeating, so when it feels like it’s hard to be brave, I say borrow courage from someone who has the cajones you need (tucked or untucked) and date purse first!
2. Be a Glamazon.
Present yourself in a way that amazes you. If your wardrobe is like a uniform, try serving up something new—change your make-up, add glitter, play with jewels and scarves, or switch up your hair.
Dress like love feels by wearing things that show off your charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.
3. Re-write your HerStory.
Most drag queens come to this art form with a past that includes hardship—I am guessing most of us can relate. Creative expression through drag became their sanctuary to live.
Are you stuck in past painful stories that keep you from being present? If yes, it’s time to rewrite your story so it’s safe for love to come in.
4. Make your vision of love an “Extravaganza Eleganza.”
Bring out the best possible love story realness by being super honest about who you are and what you want to experience in your future romance. Don’t skimp because you don’t think it exists.
Most people think they’ve got this down but they don’t. For example, you say you want someone who’s healthy? What does “healthy” look like to you? For one person it’s biking 150 miles a week and for another it means ordering lettuce on a cheeseburger. Not. The. Same.
When you get real with your vision, it helps your person find you and keeps you from wasting time on people who don’t match you.
5. Notice what’s happening on The Runway.
Pay attention to what people in your life are telling or showing you. If someone says they’re not ready for a relationship, believe them. If a person shows behaviors you don’t like, don’t expect that to change because you showed up.
6. Lip sync for your (love) life.
Get out there and be a fierce champion for your life. You owe it to your future to do whatever it takes to develop the confidence, safety, and security you need to find real love and happiness.
Let go of the idea that there’s something wrong with you if you need help in cultivating a perfect-for-you reality. In most areas of life we expect to consult an expert—buying a house, planning for retirement, even shaping our eyebrows—but in relationship, we often try to “wing it.’
So if you are feeling stuck, get support.
7. You were born naked and the rest is drag.
You are designing your life. Choose thoughts, people, and actions that affirm your love story.
How you love your life IS your love life.
8. Tell Brenda to eff off.
Anytime you are dealing with matters of the heart, your inner saboteurs are going to throw you some shade. These mental trolls will say, you’re too fat, you’re too old, and you’re doing it wrong. These scripts are all different forms of: You are not ENOUGH.
In order to win at love, you’ll need discipline to manage the mean girls’ rolodex of hate in your head. One of my favorite queens, Katya, says she named her inner critic “Brenda.” Whenever Brenda starts throwing insults—she says out loud “Eff off, Brenda.”
You can do that too.
The biggest takeaway? RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”