in: Dating & Relationships

The Everything-You-Need-to-Know About Breaking Up Guide

We know that breaking up is hard to do—so, we’ve put together our best-of how to heal that heart of yours, no matter what.

Find Grace

It’s the kind of relationship that leaves a whole lot of love standing in the room, but nowhere left for you both to grow. You want to part with kindness and grace … so, take a deep breath and read on.

Decide What’s Most Important: For me the question comes down to whether I want to be right, or loving. Other questions might be, is it more important to punish or to heal? Or what is the most important thing for me to experience?

Set the Intention & Let Everything Else Go: Did I have a good point about breaking up with me on text being totally lame? Damn skippy! Did making that point support my intention? No. When you are clear about what matters, you can more easily let go of the rest. Note: if everything matters to you, go back to step one.

Find Connection First: Before anything else, find connection and alignment with the other person. Begin with shared truths (even as basic as we are both humans and don’t want to hurt). Begin with even the smallest common ground. Begin with connection. And trust that you’ll be able to address everything more powerfully from this place.


—for more of Dia Drapers wisdom to process beautiful conflict, you can check out the rest of “The Most Beautiful Break up” here


Boost Your Healing Power

It’s always good to give yourself time and space to crumble—let your heart feel it all, if you will. Equally important? Standing up and taking action.

1. Out of sight, out of mind.
Let their face start to fade from memory by severing social media connection. Torturing yourself by cruising their Facebook page, twitter feed, or Instagram account is like rubbing hot sauce in your eyes. Who tortures themselves on purpose? Heartbroken people do. Stop it now.

2. New music, no memories.
Playing the music you experienced together is not only torturous, doing so reinforces that you’re alone now, over and over again. It’s time to discover new music that holds no connection to your ex. Make an upbeat playlist and start to let your mind clear itself of your musical memories together.

—for more steps from Tamara Star towards healing your heart, check out “4 Steps Towards Healing Your Heart After a Break up”


The quickest way to mend your heart? Take the slow train and feel it all.

When we put a timeline on things such as breakups, we blind ourselves to any opportunities that might be present. Your soulmate could be sitting right next to you or live just down the street, but you wouldn’t know, because you’re set on your grieving period taking a certain amount of time—and gosh darn it if you meet someone before your time is up.

This isn’t to say “hop back into a relationship as soon as one presents itself.” But do keep your mind and heart open to opportunities. You don’t always have to heal on your own. You might find a partner who’s willing to hold space while you release previous relationships, while you sift and sort through the past.

— Shannon Lagasse has a few more tips to cultivate patience in “How Long (Exactly) Does it Take to Get Over a Break up?”


Sex is Not a Cure-All

Our sexual energy and how we wield it can be used to help heal us—or, numb us out and make things worse.

Seek Out One-Night Stands

What do many guys do when their buddy gets dumped? Their ‘helpful’ advice sounds something like: We need to take you out and get you laid.

While bringing home a cute brunette for a night of sloppy, drunk sex might please your body, it won’t please your heart or your soul. You’ll just end up comparing her to your ex anyway. Like pornography, binge-drinking and video games, one-night stands are little more than a distraction from the pain you’re experiencing.

—to read the rest from a mindful man’s perspective, read the rest Jeffrey Platt’s in his piece, “Mindful Men: Why Sex Won’t Heal a Broken Heart”

A Few More Ways to Stay Human

Lost in the spin? Here are some helpful hints to find the ground.

Don’t let Your Mother Do It

Believe it or not, one of the most common reasons people break up is intrusions by family or friends. It’s common to bring outside influences into the relationship when you’ve had a fight and then forget to divulge, in brighter times, how great your partner and relationship are. Learning to work through relationship issues by yourself or with a selected objective confidant is a sign of maturity. Any partner who easily chooses family or friends over you is either not that into you or not ready for a commitment anyway.

Take Time

Breaking up out of anger or grief never sticks. If you have an unruly fight, give yourself a few days to cool off. Making rash judgments that end up in an abrupt actions will eventually lead you back into negotiation with your partner in addition to doing some damage to the spiritual and emotional integrity of the relationship. Many times when people say they want to break up, what they really want is space, time or things their way.So, keep this in mind: Do you really want to break up, or is it a strategy to negotiate a problem with your partner or the relationship? Only time and reflection will give you that answer. Every human is worth taking it.

Be Honest

Do your best to stay away from “it’s not you, it’s me” unless that really is the case. Sometimes trying to save your lover’s feelings just makes them want to try harder to preserve the relationship. If it really is them, tell them with as much detail as necessary.However, consider whether or not the things that bother you are deal breakers or can be negotiated before you have that conversation. If you really want out of the relationship you don’t want to leave hope for a future in their mind, it just makes it harder for everyone to move forward.

—even in the storm, there are ways to keep it classy … read the rest of Tracee Dunblazier’s suggestions here 

What We Learn From Our Broken Hearts

It’s hard to imagine in the midst of heart-break that each ripple of pain and parting serves to grow our hearts bigger … but, it’s true.

Every end is the start of a new beginning.

We are much stronger and more capable than we think we have. A relationship is an intense bounding with much energy flowing outwards, aiming to connect to the other, trying to gauge the other’s mood, desires and wishes. In any relationship we naturally give up a little of our own wishes, direction in life, values and sometimes even start to depend little (or more) on the partner’s opinion and decisions. You might even feel like you will not survive without the other person; you’ve come to depend on the other, on the connection, on the relationship.

But you will survive; you will remember and connect to your own strength again. Remember how you were once coping with life without your ex-partner and you will do this again. The weeks and months right after a break up are the perfect time to find yourself again and realize your own personal strength and capabilities.

We are all strong and have potent qualities—now it is time to connect with that again and grow from your previous relationship. Pick up your old hobby that you have given up because you partner did not join you. Call your friend that you used to go on little, crazy trips with and plan something fun. During this time, though, it is important not to condemn your ex-partner for the fact that you might have been hovering off your own path—that is the nature of a relationship and you should respect this.

—everything that shifts, changes, too—read the rest of this piece by Merel Martens: 3 Painful (But Crucial) Lessons of Any Breakup

[image: via Pixabay]

About the Author:


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