Mindful men are becoming less of an enigma these days—praise Buddha for that! If you’re ready to date one, here are a few things they seek out in an other.

---

Are they tall and striking? Curvy? Stately? Perhaps a professional? Rich? A good cook? Any number of adjectives can describe various ways in which a partner can be considered attractive to a man. But is attraction merely superficial? Does character matter? Do opposites really attract? I’d like to examine some of the less-obvious traits mindful men look for in women.

Much of the time these criteria boil down to a person’s emotional IQ or their spiritual IQ. These terms are typically thrown around in work contexts, but are a good reference point for interpersonal behavior in all relationships.

Before describing some of the traits we look for, I will examine a few of the telltale traits we avoid. These are typically mirror traits—like we avoid mean people and we look for nice people—but sometimes, there isn’t a clear opposite.

Bullying

I don’t mean a date who would slam you into a locker at your local junior high—we can all agree that would be a person we wouldn’t want to date—but some of the more subtle traits of bullying are major red flags for mindful men.

For example, I went on a first date with a woman who seemed like a real candidate. I appreciated her health consciousness and we had vegetarianism in common. In an attempt to impress me, I suspect, she insulted a fellow restaurant patron for ordering a steak. To me, the insult was more offensive than the steak. Being mindful is personal, it means different things to different people. Even though being mindful also means wanting to influence change, our inward journey shows us you cannot affect positive change with negative behavior like bullying, force, or insults. Needless to say, the date went sour (and fast).

Tardiness

Now this doesn’t have to be an ironclad, telltale red flag, but there are some people who are chronically late. This signifies they are inconsiderate—either of other people’s time or how much time they actually require to be punctual. When it is a pattern, there is underlying disrespect. It can also signify an inability to transition, i.e., go from one place to another. That can be endemic to a static personality, someone who resists change.

Cell Phone Gawking

If you must have your cell phone omnipresent, explain that something important—like a potential emergency—is brewing. Otherwise, you come across as disinterested and self-absorbed.

So what are the positive traits we’re after?

Mindful Men Look for:

Politeness

If you are eating with a date and they’re rude to the waitress, ABORT! How you treat a stranger is a window into your character. If you perceive a waiter or waitress as subordinate or inferior, you don’t display your superiority, but a lack of grace.

Grace

Grace is difficult to define, but it is obvious when it is present—it’s also obvious when it’s not. Complaining, condescending, or confrontational language are all displays of an abundantly absent state of grace.

Gratitude

Thanking your date for taking the time to get to know you might seem like an obvious thing, but if you feel entitled to have someone go out, perhaps buy you dinner etc. this comes across poorly. Even if there is no interest in a second date, why not make the best of the one you’re on?

Note: This is does not mean feeling obligated, merely thankful for the opportunity to connect with another human, however brief the encounter might be.

Confidence

Confidence is still the most incredibly attractive trait in another human being and shouldn’t be underestimated in its attraction-power. Dates can be stressful and cause us to be nervous—totally understandable—but how is your general demeanor? I realize it’s easy to say confidence is attractive, but what does confidence look and feel like? Confidence is not boastful or demanding of attention—it’s still, and stillness attracts.

Sincerity

We are all at different stages of development with regards to enlightenment. Synching up exactly is less important than the sense that you are both equally committed to the path. Sometimes the pace changes and accommodating that change is especially easy if you know you are going in the same direction with the same intention.

Pace

One of the most underrated elements of dating is pace. People don’t like to be rushed or strung along and it’s difficult to find someone who is interested in taking the same pace as you. That’s a clue to where you are in relation to the other person.

Perhaps it’s a right-person wrong-time type situation, but we are all in various stages of enthusiasm and healing. Expecting someone to go beyond their comfort zone merely creates stress instead of advancing a potential relationship. Someone might be ready to jump into a monogamous relationship with both feet, while another might be enjoying the variety of meeting lots of new people for the first time. Neither is wrong and both have potential matches out there.

In any case, being mindful is also being patient. Enjoy the here and now. Trying to create the then and there is not only a turnoff, but a sign you might need some time alone.

Finally, order what you want.

Wait, shouldn’t I restrict myself to the less expensive stuff on the menu if someone else is paying? It’s understandable you might want to order something inexpensive on a first date. This can be perceived as considerate, but when you order what you want regardless of expense, you send the signal that you get what you want. 

This demonstrates confidence and it aligns with the perception that you deserve good things. Now, if you order a very expensive bottle of wine just to test the situation, that could be stretching this concept too far, but order what you want. This also gives true insight into who you are, which is honest. This also is a signal you believe in abundance, rather than scarcity, which can be an important insight into how you look at life.

Some of these traits may seem abnormal, but the mindful man is carving a new path and reinventing the male stereotype.