Determining if your partner is losing interest can be a subtle art. Listen to your intuition, be clear about what you want, and honor yourself (always).

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I’ve been given a lot of advice on this topic over the years and, honestly, not found much of it to be true.

For example:

Someone who really likes you will find a way to let you know. Meh, maybe.

If they really want to be with you, they’ll be able to find the time. Yah, sometimes.

They’re just not that in to you. Or, maybe they just need space.

I think it is a natural response to base our assessment on whether or not we are likely to be rejected. Somehow, in our cultural education, we’ve been taught that to be interesting we must be special (as if there is someone out there who’s not). If anyone rejects us, it’s because we’re not interesting enough.

Our media focuses on being pretty, young, talented, virile, happy, successful, smart, and the list goes on and on. The reality is, we are all unique individuals with varying elements of all of these things that make us the amazing vulnerable humans that we are.

Now whether or not you believe there is a man or a woman out there who wants you and will love and cherish exactly what you have, is the question. And, by the way, it’s also your combination of beliefs and ideals that make you the amazing individual that you are.

No matter how you look at it, relationships are work and sometimes hard work. People can be lazy or unskilled at communicating what they want and negotiating a compromise that works for both partners. Yes, compromise, understanding, patience, and kindness are the four self-mastery keys necessary for a loving enduring relationship. All relationships will help you build on your own self-mastery and those four keys.

So, it’s important to look at why you’re dating and what you’d like to accomplish. Is it companionship you want? Commitment? Sex? Inspiration? Company for your misery? Whatever it is, find a way to speak it out.

Adjusting your relationship lens to look at and engage with specific partners through what your true desire is allows you to communicate truthfully. Taking the illusion of rejection out of the equation. When your partner knows what your goals are, they can make an honest and open assessment about how they want to move forward with you. Not because of your worth and value, but for your aligned relationship goals.

I know that sounds a little “businessy” but the truth is any relationship is an investment of time, emotion, and energy on multiple levels that will absolutely take away from other things that you’re doing. It can be really easy to forget that when you’re in love.

What I’ve found is the ones you think aren’t interested sometimes are, but just fearful or not very skilled at negotiating the relationship they want.  The ones that say and do all the right things are actually really talented at doing what’s necessary as a means to an end without actually communicating what that end is.

The truth is: we all want to be loved, acknowledged, respected, and appreciated. And, when any of those elements don’t manifest, or begin to wane at the start of a relationship, we begin the exodus… at least in our minds. You can’t endure in a relationship when you’ve already ended it in your head.

Relationships all come down to the way we negotiate them and whether or not we are willing to go with the flow of the partnership we enter in to, rather than trying to fit our partner into a mold of what we think we want. Understanding that people need: love, kindness, nurturing, and patience. That they are at varying levels of ability to say and know exactly what they want. And, in my opinion, knowing that they give up way to easily and often don’t really comprehend what it means to work for a relationship.

Here are a few of the telltale signs your lover isn’t interested:

Stops returning your call:

This one is sending a very important message. Leave me alone. How your friend proceeds from here can go either way. If you respect they’re bid for solitude you may just get a call when and if they’re ready. If that’s a deal breaker for you? Honor yourself and move on.

Gets irritable with you over small things:

Sometimes, instead of just saying what they need, it’s easier for someone to push you away by constantly getting irritated. It’s important to address the disconnect and frustration head on. Giving you and your partner the opportunity to negotiate a dynamic that works for both of you. If he/she isn’t willing to do that? They’re not willing to move forward.

Makes mention of things they think you need that they can’t provide:

This is a good one. Definitely not for the amateur. I’d been dating a guy for a few months when his life took a turn for the worst. Instead of just telling me how overwhelmed he was he began to tell me that what he thought I wanted—what he couldn’t give me—and then he ghosted. Look, things happen and sometimes we just flat out change our minds. However, being kind in this case, means saying exactly that.

Spends time with you, on their phone:

Even in this day and age, it’s still disrespectful to spend time on your phone in the company of others. Anyone who does this on a first date, isn’t ready for a second. And, someone who will do this in lieu of spending quality time with you? Well, they’re definitely more interested and place more importance on their phone activities. How you negotiate this is up to you. It’s important to remember that what you let slip away in the beginning can be very hard to get back.

Stops communicating or reduces intimacy:

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with life responsibilities and take it out on the people closest to you. If you find that happening in your relationship, find a way to address it with kindness. Patience in this situation doesn’t mean ignore it and hope it goes away. It won’t. Acknowledging it and slowly but surely finding ways of bringing peace to it, is the only effective way.

Hey, don’t let this information be a downer. There are some great people out there who want exactly what you do. Ultimately, our spiritual goal in any relationship is, first, to cultivate our self-mastery, and second, to learn cooperation and develop compromise, understanding, patience, and kindness with others.

At the end of the day, it’s not whether we begin, endure in, or end a relationship. It’s about how we do it. Not leading someone on and telling them what you think they want to hear in order to get what you want. Likewise, not assuming you know what someone needs or wants, but asking them, directly. And, please, be honest. Telling someone the absolute truth in a kind way, indulging in an uncomfortable conversation for the sake of another person, or being willing to re-negotiate or give up a relationship when it’s obvious that you are the only one who benefits are all evidence of your transition from magical thinking to a truly phenomenal life and a miraculous relationship.