in: Dating & Relationships

Calling All Commitment-Phobes: How Commitment Actually Sets Us Free

The Good Men Project

Commitment phobia? Jordan Gray is here to call you out. Putting down roots doesn’t chain you, it grounds you.


gmp bannerFor the past six years I couldn’t have been more of a commitment-phobe.

I engaged in relationships with an obviously limited future.

I hopped around from city to city and have never once had a year lease anywhere.

But now, for the first time in my life, I am starting to put down some semblance of roots.

I am engaging in an intimate relationship that I am excited about with someone that challenges me. I am pouring my energy into my business at a rate that I never have before (writing three-four articles per week, working with a select handful of coaching clients, and writing more books).

And I’m even thinking about signing my very first year-long rental lease. That’s right. I’ll be staying put in one city… in one house… for a full year… with my girlfriend.

Two years ago I never would have believed it.

But here’s the thing…

Much to the surprise of my inner 20-year old, I don’t feel chained down.

In fact, I feel the exact opposite.

I’ve never felt more free.

And here’s why…

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose—and commit myself to—what is best for me.”

~ Paolo Coelho

Commitment is the ultimate freedom.

Before we commit to something (be it a career path, a business, a place to live, an intimate partner, etc.) we invest a lot of mental resources weighing all of our options.

Maybe that person will be my true love. Maybe that business opportunity will be the most rewarding. Maybe that’s the hack that I need to get six pack abs…

It’s been said that “99 percent is hard as hell, but 100 percent is easy.” And I couldn’t agree more.

Before you are fully aligned, congruent, and decided on a specific path in your life, you waste so much energy living in your indecision.

In my love life, I no longer have to invest time or energy into women that aren’t right for me or who don’t ultimately assist in my growth.

When it comes to my environment, I don’t have to spend hours each week worrying about the next city I’m going to live in.

And, having committed deeply to my career path over six years ago, I’ve saved countless hours (likely months or years) in not needing to hem and haw about what I should do with my life.

With the combined mental resources that I’ve saved in committing to what I need to be doing right now, I have that much more time, energy, and attention to put into the things that matter (mainly my business, my partner, and my growth as a human being).

So where in your life might you be telling yourself that commitment is a bad thing? What relationship are you holding back in? In what way are you playing small in an area of your life?

Instead of seeing commitment as a death sentence, try reframing it as something that makes you the most ‘you’ you’ve ever been.

Commitment doesn’t tie you down… it grounds you firmly in place so that you can more readily shake off the parts of you that were never actually you to begin with.

Because it is through our commitments that we find our truest selves.

You can see more of Jordan’s best writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com in partnership with the Good Men Project

[image: via theodoritsis on flickr]

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